MY PRECIOUS <3<3

Negacion

2010-06-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

It just seems so retarded, the entire notion of existence. We never made the choice to enter life, and given such a choice at least half the people alive now would opt out, knowing that the entire thing is futile. If so, why would suicide be a cardinal sin? Is a gift not willingly accepted still a gift? By right. But by human standards, throwing away that gift is completely acceptable as well. Seeing as how I should know by experience. However, we are not thinking of human moral standards, rather the cosmic rules. So I shall decline to comment further. It's just like the readers of this blog, for all I know (and care) they do not exist.
You may have heard the news of the person who got slashed from RJ. Sad story, that.
Promising life ahead with such great grades, and gets accosted and injured so badly for what? For a cheap ass phone and hand held cash. Like any GUY carries much cash with him anyway.
Even if the people who did this lost their lives, who lost more? Those people were probably useless anyway. Their damage to the prospects of such a promising person is worth more than that.
Hence, we can always see that those with more to lose will always lose more in the end. Take for example a rich dude and a poor dude. If both are slashed to death, obviously the rich dude stands to lose more. Death will equate all our lives. Though said rich dude probably can hire bodyguards to prevent such an event. Even so, such a life is meaningless in the face of Time.
So, people should start planning such that they have absolutely nothing left when they die so they can die laughing at the others who will soon lose their hard earned riches and stuff.
It's hard, but I think this is the best way to face death down.
I'm guessing that I have gone at least 85% crazy already from the fact that I actually believe what I wrote. Only a matter of time I guess. Though no one really cares I suppose, if not people might have noticed me wasting away slowly. And yes, physically.
Find me something I can find joy in please. Someone, somewhere.

Gran Caida

2010-05-22T03:38:00.000-07:00

Ok its finally reached this.
I have selected this way as no other way has worked so far.
Besides, no one knows enough or cares enough to help. Well whatever.
In from of Nobody here, this is probably the last time I post with this semi-healthy state of mind.
Now the time comes, let us prepare for the completion of the final exequias before taking the Gran Caida. See you all.

Nihilistic

2010-05-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

Was there any other choice?
I tell you being posted to the ward of the clinically insane was quite draining. Being rather sensitive to emotion, I could feel the despair and hopelessness emanating from those...patients. I'm sure even if you are not you'd still feel like shit after staring at people staring into space for the whole day.
Fortunately, I'm out. Not completely without effort on my part.
Apparently I'm an extremely nihilistic person, and perhaps they didn't want this to spread among the patients. Looking at myself now though, I can't say it is far from the truth. All the misfortune and suffering of this year, the mess of a relationship life I've had, the death of the aunt, the army, all have slowly eroded away my old self. Slowly, as army has harshly slashed the amount of time I spend with my friends, I'm beginning to lose the sense of happiness or belonging. The suffering and drear of life has numbed my emotions and morals. Coupled with the busy lives of my friends in army and my family being busy, I have become almost completely detached and empty. This is quite a step closer to nihilism in itself. Furthermore, my basic belief has now become similar to that of FF6's Kefka Palazzo: That we are all destined to die, and that none of our actions will mean anything to us once we are; we will not be there to receive happiness for what we do once we are dead.
Thus, I've come to realize the futility and lack of meaning that existence purveys. This is known as existential nihilism. Yet, while we can, we should seek out gratification in life. Not delayed, but instantaneous. Your delayed gratification will mean nothing if you die the next second. Therefore, enjoy it right now.
Recently, I've found it hard to enjoy anything. While it may seem that I am, I have been trying as hard as I could to present the front that everyone knows and likes (?) about me. Even when I'm not really feeling that way. But I still hope beyond hope that I will be able to revert, through some miracle. (hopefully not involving anything bad) It's the same as ranting on this blog. I know that no one reads but I do anyway. Heh.
Besides, looking at the current situation, I'd say its a joke anyway.
My thoughts at this moment are too messed up to write down. Perhaps I may not go for the class bbq on saturday after all. It would remind me acutely of who I was before, someone who was vocal, frank, faithful, who loved, laughed, played, worked, and most importantly, lived.
Or maybe going back might bring me back to myself?
I highly doubt it. It would probably enforce my thinking of the futility of life anyway, seeing as how much wasted thoughts, time and emotion was spent.

Temporality

2010-04-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

This week of leave...has been quite eventful, but not as happy as I'd hoped.
While I mixed with all the various groups of friends, I never managed to grab hold of everyone (the NSFs) for a mass gathering of enjoyment and hilarity. Ah well, less the chance now since many are going to OCS...
To luck, I'd say some people are better off, some worse than I. But it is in my nature to be malcontent with my lot. So it is that I still feel the need to sigh here.
The various things I did this week have awoken many things I had hidden. First was the weird talk on last saturday, where 3 of us exchanged our dark secrets, and you come to realize that some people's lives aren't as perfect as the facade they try to put forward.
Then came lunch on monday, where there was much nostalgia, walking through the old familiar places with the familiar people, it was quite a handful for my mind and heart. Following this, I then went on to the places at Dhoby where we used to chill out and play lan games, of course I indulged myself in those again while I was at it, and tasted for a moment, the sweetness of an innocent and indulgent life when I was younger, and life still held all its promises.
On tuesday was OG dinner, where I met the same gang of friends, yet different. In our own ways, we have all changed much. Though some things never change, (like Nat's style), time inevitably shows us its effects. It also reminded me of more carefree times where we would hang out longer into the night at places, Toa Payoh remember? There were more people with us then. There was no sadness in it for me, there was hope.
Also, I went out with the gang again, and this time the trip brought us to Funan, where we relived some old memories (and disputes) of DoTA and competitions. Walking back from Funan, the bunch of us reminisced about math tuition and the A-level period, where we would be walking back that way on sunday nights, but spontaneously decide to play lan or eat dinner at Soup Spoon, or just to chill out. Even though the next day was a monday, we'd still hang late, for our energy comes from knowing that though there would be school the next week, we were still free people. And that really mattered.
That brings to mind the A-level period. It was intense, but it was fun. Like living life precariously with a sense of danger, with the friends and comrades you picked up in 2 years all striving for the same goal, it feels great. Better than now where each is sentenced to his own individual hell.
And I have been saving this for last. The class dinner really hit home some things to me. It makes me feel again the tantalizing scent of what could have been, and sharpens the image of the mistakes I made. After my stints this year, I've come to realize love and what it entails. It brings about an elevated awareness of a person and her presence, as well as emotions attached to that. And when they are happy, you would be content too. The path to happiness in love is not self-gratification, rather it is selfless giving to the one you love, and her smile, her happiness is your ticket to earthly paradise. Thus is love selfless. I finally understand that but perhaps too late. I feel sad that this is wasted, understanding has been granted me, but not the chance I really need. Yet not all hope is lost. I will make this succeed somehow. Or at least let her know how true my feelings are, even after all that.
To life, it is worrying. Dad's not back from overseas yet, don't know where he is. Mom is mega stressed and stuff cause of aunt being hospitalized and all. And of course there is me. Maybe I'm too immature to handle this on my own, but I've been trying. And it has been hard, really hard.
Give me a glimmer of light and hope, something to cling to please.

Flight of time

2010-04-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

Oh wow I'm 19 already. I thought I haven't changed at all, but looking at myself from another person's PoV (and from what others have said) it seems I have!
I appear to be more willing to try new things, and less explosive and impulsive. Though if your into that kind of thing, you'd be glad to hear that I still retain those traits, so gimme a nudge in the right direction to see good old times explode again right in front of your eyes :)
Unfortunately, my way of thinking still hasn't changed, so I still appear as cynical as ever. Which I am. Though this won't kill anyone cause words don't kill people, guns do. However, like I said, more controlled. Means I won't shoot off my mouth anywhere to piss people off.
R/S wise...more messed up. I'm on extended holiday from that for the time being. Cause its so messed up I already almost cannot keep track of what the heck's been going on lately. And in the past. Just thinking of it gives me a headache, a soul-ache and a heart-ache. And makes me think more of the 19 shots which I'm gonna down this weekend. So thinking and doing less on this won't hurt anyone, least of all myself.
Quite an awesome birthday this year, though I did have duty in the morning, my friends and family really outdid themselves. Even if you think just going to my facebook wall and typing a few words is really nothing or dropping me an sms is no effort at all, at least you had remembered my birthday. And that's all that counts :)
Got some awesome presents too, and nice people are allowed to come over and play with them. Good things are to be shared after all. As for those who...forgot to do anything or were too busy, don't worry, you still have this weekend to redeem yourself. After which inaction will result in an instant delete+ban from all my social networks including real life. :D
Oh I jest.
This week everyone PoPs, its gonna be good to see the brothers all free for a week, myself included, for I too am taking block leave! Bwahaha. Maybe take some pics to revive my otherwise dead facebook photo life. 9 days of slack to look forward to, but first, I must survive tomorrow. Oh this means I have to sleep now. Gyah. See you all then...

Needs must

2010-03-28T09:02:00.001-07:00

Empty space, hear my cry.
Why do girls always cause me such torment? I thought I'd specified to you just be there to comfort each other, physically or by talking, why are you falling into the trap of emotion? I honestly believe you need to think long on what I said that day, ask yourself, DO YOU LOVE ME or DO YOU NEED ME? They are very different things you know. If you tie yourself to someone you need, but don't love, you'll spend the rest of your time in entrapment, if you have no way out, if not you'll leave as soon as have no more use for the person, like a leech dropping off after its fill of blood.
And I can tell you, from what little experience I have, you don't really love me. So please don't hurt yourself by forcing it, really. I would only have wanted someone that could take my shit, as seeing my male friends have their own worries as well. And you needed my help right? When either of us stops needing the other, what will happen?
Also, if you are deluded by fairytales into thinking that I may secretly love you, don't flatter yourself any more please. I've been through too much hell for this to even dare to try anymore, sad to say. The only person I can safely say I ever loved truly, does not love me back. So enough of that.
I'm thinking of something to say but words are failing me. I thought we were clear at the start. Just perish the notion. Nothing will come from this. You are good enough to be able to get other better guys too, and I know I can get girls as well. So please if you need a boyfriend, go find others, I'm not ready to risk torment again, neither am I sure my heart can love anyone else.
There's trouble, but I will forge through it again. Alone, if need be.
You had better try to find another solution, my friend. If you really cannot bring yourself to admit that I'm not "the one", I will help you by severing our contact, completely, like I did with one other in the past, painful though it may be. That may seem drastic, but trust me, a murky situation where one or the other is left hanging is infinitely worse. I've been through it, I know.

Truth or lies?

2010-03-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

In our life, there's IF.
In our beliefs, there's LIE.
In our business, there's SIN.
In our bodies, there's DIE.

(This was my life-Megadeth)

I got tanned

2010-03-23T09:24:00.001-07:00

Ended work at 10. PM.
Enough said. Ended late yesterday too.
Heard some sad news today. And some happy stuff. If I had any energy to feel emotion I would, but I kind of became numb after my 16th hour working nonstop at the same terminal.

Respite. Something beautiful.

Meaning

2010-03-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

I need something to believe to move on.
I need a meaning to my existence. Not everyday just doing meaningless things...

Wish I could lock this

2010-03-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

Post deleted due to unsuitable comments.

When you're too sick and tired to carry on

2010-03-14T08:17:00.002-07:00

Ok I know really no one reads this already. But hell, even screaming into empty space is something I'd do now.
This entire year so far has been insane. To kind of sum things up, army.
I have changed so much that I find it hard to recognize myself in my thinking and my living. Though perhaps some (if not all) of you may think my life is damn shiok cause I'm far from being in a cheong Pes, think again. Being stuck doing a pretty much meaningless job and having ABSOLUTELY nothing to work for is really quite a strain. Worse if nothing you do will even make much difference. But its like that everywhere I go, so no comment there. Also trying to find a way to make time pass faster for those times where I have to spend hours on end staring into open space is pretty much impossible. Well, its true, maybe I am weak like that. But whatever, even if its a personal hell, its hell nonetheless.
As for other aspects of life, which has shrunk to about 1/10 of its normal size, things are pretty much messed up as well. Some of you may know that I'm currently attached. Yeah its quite a strange story, and I'm pretty sure Suze you too would not mind me saying this so here goes.
We are 2 lost souls looking for human companionship in these trying times in our lives. That''s basically how it starts, and we are currently supporting each other emotionally and physically. IMO, when a guy hugs a girl, holding her in your arms, one would just feel like a real man, and those protective instincts which are in all men would come to the forefront, making you feel like you are able to take on anything. But such times are fleeting, and inevitably, it would not be such acts, but real love, that can sustain a person in the long run. I don't know how love is, but this again feels different from my previous experience with Mari, it is more real, yet more surreal. I don't know what to believe. Our interests also seem very conflicted, sometimes leading to disputes and awkward silences. Ah well I need r/s counseling. Am I supposed to take it seriously? I thought we'd agreed to just try things out and see how they went...
But friday was completely insane. After the drinking with the dudes, going to club and meeting her, escorting her home and finally waking up kneeling by her bedside where I'd konked out...really I think a bit mad sia. I'm less a boy, more a man. Though we made sure and checked that we didn't do anything fishy, the experience still doesn't sit well with me. Any comments on this would be appreciated, so I know if this is considered insane or not. Oh wait, I'm talking to myself here. Damn, I'm insane.
I think its more painful for us to see our female batchmates carrying on with life, even enjoying themselves while we guys have to enter limbo for 2 years. Girls, cherish and enjoy freedom, and thank whichever god you believe in that you need not do this whole army thing. Almost everyone's changing, subtly, surely. Yet there are some who still haven't and I really appreciate the times I spend with these people, for they bring me back to a time in another lifetime, where there were less worries and life was worth the living no matter how painful it got.
I miss school to infinity. I miss the times in RI, playing with no care in the world. Hanging out everyday and talking, indulging in our weird fantasies and stuff. I miss the classrooms, which became our second homes. I miss the lessons, the endless fight with the school authorities, the bending of rules. I miss 2M and 4P. I miss the innocent times where me, Leo and Ed would sit outside 7 eleven at RJ and talk of who'd get attached first, while munching chocolate.
I miss the times in RJ, meeting and greeting the many people I knew as friends. I miss the tutorials where we could laugh and joke. I miss hanging out with OG in innocence. I miss class outings where everyone would let down our hair. Hell, I even miss the cramming for A levels, the actual taking of the A levels. At least back then there was meaning in doing such things. I miss the entire school campus. I miss having school holidays. Man, that's a lot of things to miss. Friends, hopefully we can survive this, and one day, we'd all pay a visit back to our school, and things would be back to normal for a while, if only for a little while.
There's so much more to say really, but 2359 approaches. Normally I'd have been stronger but just for tonight, I found I lacked the strength to carry on, so I came here to rant for a long while, since this is one of the places where I can rant so long without the other party running away from me. Heh. Anyone with any means to make my life better/cheer me up, let me know kay, I'd be more that happy to oblige.

Another foaming NSF.

Wtf.

2010-03-14T08:17:00.001-07:00

Sickening la.

Back to the grind

2010-01-31T07:09:00.000-08:00

Post number 143. Pretty fitting seeing as how 143 is just before the suay 144 which is how I'm feeling now. Since this week is where practically all my friends are gonna disappear for a while ;(
Damn, this is a time for me to regret not making more female friends. But now I still have a small window of opportunity to make it up. Screw relationships, girls I'm not looking at that so much now. I just want people to chat with after my 10 hour hardcore mental torture.
So, if I happen to call/message randomly even if I have never done so before, its part of my loneliness acting up, don't be afraid, better yet, be my friend :)
Got any event or gathering never hesitate to ask me along cause I will definitely go if I can make it yo. Even if you are going shopping, in which case I'd be happy to just be a bag rack and carry your bags for you. Thats how far I've fallen due to desperation and loneliness. Or will fall. Ah well its back to one more week of the grind (in both senses of the word, I'm gonna get more grinding lessons..hai), save me from the world of clubs, please someone.

Well its time for the curtains to rise.
Let them not close,
for then everyone dies.

R me

2010-01-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

Heh, havn't posted for the past 10 thousand years. Or at least it feels like it. Bearing a greater weight of responsibility on my shoulders, not just for myself but for others, has made me feel beyond my years, coupled with how slow time passed for the first week, makes me feel as if the past was a previous life.
Well, army is all about new experiences. I have my share of different experiences, sadly I can never experience what others will one day come to cherish in the way of memories. Nor would I have much to brag about to my kids (that is, if I can get married...). But surviving in this different environment teaches you many lessons, that ultimately, you have only yourself to watch your back in the outside world.
I've met many people from diverse backgrounds, in fact most of the people posted with me were completely different. One of them even has a kid. -_-
Well, I can say for one that, while I thought RJ was already a messed up place with all the backstab and politics, its really NOTHING compared to the world outside. Although seemingly I always prefer the past to the present, life is like that, for the cycle of growing up involves an increasingly heavy burden of responsibility and exposure to the corruption of the world.
Obviously there are perks to my position, but once my friends are all gone into army, I think I will be dying for any form of comradeship, from anyone I can find, so any girls who are free PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO TALK TO ME! I will be the nicest I can! :)
Its either this or I follow everyone else and go club, smoke, drink and find girls (in the less innocent sense). So hopefully some kind souls would have seen this and would wish to save me and be my buddies :D
Holy shit its going to be 2 years before I get back to schooling. I somehow miss the routine of schooling badly, despite having suffered in it for ages. Its pretty ironic that I'm actually saying this now. :(
And just hours ago, I was at the ECP for dinner with my family. I looked at the little kids running around and wrestling each other, and felt the full weight of my current position and age in life. I don't even remember how it felt like to be so carefree and innocent anymore...

PS- You'll probably notice that my hair is gone too :( :(

At the tail end of 2009...

2009-12-30T07:00:00.000-08:00

Well now since I would probably go havoc tomorrow anyway, here's the post for year's end. It has been a less eventful, more stressful year for me all around. While the events of last year conspired to mould my character into what it has become, it took a while and I only assumed myself at around June. Prior to that I still had random bouts and fits of insanity. Of course, I still maintain my havoc-based insanity, just not the crazy thinking kind of insane anymore. I think I am now more obliging and empathic towards others, and have increased self-control to such an extent I stand little risk of attacking people now despite provocation.
As to other things, I seem to have picked up a whole lot of new friends that at least I can sit and talk with. And increased the number of "people I know and say hi to" to boot. Hopefully I've been a better classmate this year too, though I kind of doubt it considering how little "class" there actually was this year. My love life has been quite stagnant, while obviously I'm not the happiest about this, I think it may be the best option for now. Though I must say I can fully understand how she must have felt last year when I was being the insane, thanks to personal experiences. It's gratifying to see that we have progressed despite the fiascos of the past. But still I guess I should not have done what I did.
Anyway, I'd seen recently several relationships all broken up, opening my eyes to the fact that in my naivety I never saw: Being in a relationship will NOT guarantee happiness. Especially fragile ones that are prone to breakups. Well I guess it will generally make one happy, but its not a 100% guarantee.
Ok I got some random bout of illness recently but hopefull I can recover fast enough to enjoy myself tomorrow! :)
Happy new year people, in case I get too wasted I cannot post on 2nd :)

If we only can't see a reason...

2009-12-22T06:37:00.000-08:00

Hehh the 4P outing turned out quite lame. Became more of a Ben outing, with only Nat, Josh, Ben, Eddie, me and unexpectedly, Feng. Ahwell, it was quite fun I guess. But WE REALLY MUST HAVE A PROPER P OUTING SOON, EVEN IF I HAVE TO PLAN IT MYSELF!!
We need to gym. And more gym. And hopefully I can get some shape by the end of this hol.
Also, we need to jam. While I'd again been neglecting practice, I think I should get started hehh. After all one hopes to perform someday :)
Anyway, we really should have all the various class outings set in motion so we can like have one or 2 more mass gatherings before we part ways. Its quite sad, but it seemed like a very short while since I was WTF at the orientation before I got used to things. Seems like a very short while ago that I walked into a new class twice. That we used to go for class meals at the canteen, before the insane started. AH well maybe more posts on these individual groups laters. For now this is just a rant cause I am really bored and feel very out of place somehow, like I'd been uprooted. And who knows, maybe I have.

When you open your eyes,
When you look at the skies...

And she had a name...

2009-12-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

Man I have little time left before enlistment :(
Best to continue the gym programme in the hopes of regaining some mass before the day. Also I guess class chalet has died, referring to 7Bs. After all, what kind of chalet lacks me AND Ajay?
As for friends, I am looking forward to 4P outing on tuesday, will have more people turning up (hopefully) and also may be the last time we get such an outing for a very long time :(
You know, its hard to imagine not having to go back to school. Its like I am anticipating the hols to end and I go back to RJ or something and attend classes and lectures. I dunno, guess its been so long that I got used to the routine. Sure as hell miss it, even if I don't miss the politics.
Well I guess I have to fill my days with interesting events, if not may lapse into brooding melancholy again. Lan, jam, gym, movie, (gay) date, swim, whatever else you have in mind, TELL ME! I DON'T WANT TO WASTE AWAY NEEDLESSLY!
Oh and I think I should like give my blog a makeover, change the skin and summat.
And another thing, (this is to someone whom if your close enough to me, you'd know who) WHERE ARE YOU!! :(

Sing, my angel of music

2009-12-19T08:26:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a while, and here I am back again, after my sojourn through the lifestyle of RJ ends. So much has happened in so little time. My person has changed fairly greatly since last year. Gone is innocence and naivety. Being more pragmatic, I can now truly fit the Lawful Evil character type heheh. Though I'm pretty sure I have become less antagonistic towards others and have not lost my sense of humor, I guess if you talk to me seriously you'd see the difference.
Among others, I can safely say that there have been upheavals in all their lives as well. Several previously happy couples are now in ruin, while other lonely singles have found their joy in others. (I think you know who you are :D)
Ok now on to holiday updates. Prom was a major letdown. 88 bucks on average food and random phototaking? What a joke. I guess trying to look formal was the major part of what was so special that night. Due to the massive lack of people going from 7B, the pictures from there are quite sadly underpopulated, but 4P still lives long and healthy I see! However, not the same could be said about the chalet. It was another letdown. The turnout was, to be honest, pretty pathetic, with various people not coming at all or having to leave halfway for stuff. Ah well, I guess good things cannot last forever, and people would definately have other commitments to settle. Still, it was a good 4 days of slack, bringing back good memories of bygone days.
But memories...can only remain memories.
I have 3 weeks to enlistment and I don't really know what to do to make this a memorable time. My relationship status is, sadly, still awesomely messed up for some reason. Reiterating this for the I-don't-know-what-number time, I WOULD CHANGE J1 IF I COULD. But the past is set in stone, and no amount of wishing can help. Well if you're bored during this holiday do drop me a line or something cause I'm really very free. Surprisingly.

Respawn timer

2009-12-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

Ok since this hol has been quite eventful, yet boring at the same time, I have set my blog to respawn shortly. Should be about 1-2 days time so all you stalkers would be so happy already just reading this X)

Fall, finally

2009-05-24T07:39:00.001-07:00

So that's it I guess. Home, school, everywhere I go I have to act like I'm so strong and have no problems in the other half of my life. And now that everyone around me has gone insane, I guess there's no one left to actually bare this twinned heart to. Per se, no one listens.
I'm sick of fighting, sick of pretending. Sick of screaming into endless nothing with only mocking echoes to listen to me. Sick of home and school. I know that this will probably only be read by those I don't need to tell this to. Yet, I don't care. Honestly, screw this pathetic love story, nay, screw my story. It's not just BGR that's got me this time. Although aside from taking my pride and joys, its also claimed my friends, I can't say it was completely to blame. These 2 years I haven't done any right things, or made any right choices.
Well I can't be expected to stay tough forever, unless I throw away the weak part of me that cares. Maybe I will after all. But anyway, I'm here today to shut down this blog. Cause' the night no longer holds wonder and freedom, but serves only to herald the torment of the next day.
Cause' we need more than a reason to live.
Because of you.

I'm in love with my lust,
Burning angel wings to dust.

With awakening, the tears will begin.

2009-04-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

OH SHIT. My previous post sounded damn...ugh.
On a side note, I keep feeling demon in the mornings these days. Onset of insanity? Shit. Just when life was getting interesting I feel evil. Today I even reasoned that I should skip the econs essay, if not I might get even more pissed off with it that I might harm people. And then I get called screwed up for that :/
Well people don't understand and don't know the truth, so they'd just think like that. Besides, you don't really care do you?
Heeh "love" strikes everyone around me. While I myself am still unable to get over this (shit), I still recognize that others in fact have the potential to attain happiness in such. So, I shall sit by and be happy for you all.
Argh I'm supposed to try something, but I have so much to handle I think one less problem would help. Anyway, I highly doubt the probability of success of any plan I might have with regards to this. Need someone to like talk to about this, preferably a girl, so I can understand more the other viewpoint towards such a situation. But unfortunately, most girls I know seem a bit afraid of me for some inane reason. :(
Ah well, dating's fun anyway. Even without the meaning behind it, I guess close interaction between 2 humans is something to be cherished. Especially when people cannot call me gay cause I'm with a girl :D
You know, maybe in another dimension, (if such things exist) I might have been a better person, more successful, in a nice sport CCA, doing well in studies and of course with you by my side. Hahah I still have to face all the wrong choices I made with every step of the way. Yes, ALL of them.
On a side note, if I do talk with a laconic tone or narrowed eyes, it probably means I'm in my demon mood again, please stay away if you don't understand what's going on. Well I heard that those are the easiest to recognize signs anyway. Don't blame me for what I do then either cause' I don't really think I'm completely myself. I'm still working on some way to fix this though, so cheer me on if you want...
Anyway, that's another reason why I'd have problems with girlfriends. Cause, I don't think there exists someone sweet enough to take all my "quirks" and feel happy with them. Even if there was, I doubt I'd like her back anyway, "love" don't work like that.
Cheers to you people who are in the "lovin", success is tangible to you! :D

Lady Killer X)

2009-04-25T08:18:00.000-07:00

Heh heh its damn fun to attract the attention of girls.
Especially when they don't know you!
Going to gym is like a cool way to flirt, here's the story.
On thurs when I went to solo gym, there was this large group of girls there, (actually not bad looking summore XD) somehow they come and like surround me and just sit there and stare at me (I'm serious.) so much so that I had to ask one of them to get off each machine I wanted to use. Well I would have gone free weights, but there were these 2 retard African or something dudes BENCHING each other, on the damn bench press machine, making orgasmic noises to boot, so I decided against it. But hey, its actually quite fun to have girls like giggling and/or blushing when you talk to them, even if its just asking someone off a machine. Heh.
I also developed new 1337 flirt skillz!
On boring bus rides, you can do this. Look around to see if any (chio) girl noticed you. This test fails if said girl is with boyfriend or boys. Then, you look at her till she notices you. Hold her gaze for a second, then look away. Look back at her till she notices you again, but this time you wait till she reacts, probably gonna roll eyes at you. Whatever the case, she probably will look away. Well just wait till she looks back, cause if you're good enough looking (:D) she will. Then play with facial expression to give impressions. But just ignore it all once you/she reaches the stop.
Ok that sounded like some flirt guide, but I think it would help guys to pass time on buses and trains! And maybe like hook some girl (if ur that despo.)...
But its damn fun anyway!
If I continue to do the buff, someday perhaps all the girls will turn their heads, not away from me, but towards me. XD

Death be not proud

2009-04-20T07:17:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged for quite a while...
I feel weird now and this time I have a reason. On friday, my grandad passed on. Heaven better exist for him to go to, cause he's really been through a lot. Took a skip off chem focus to go back, exchange parting words with him. Apparently the hospital people gave up on him and so he was back home waiting to die...
Well I remember before he got sick, at least one million years ago, in another lifetime of innocence and joy, he used to bring me to eat donuts and drink sprite at the old community center near our school now. For some inane reason, I was always loved by him, beyond all the other grandchildren perhaps. Maybe it's because I was the eldest grandchild. Well the weekend wasn't easy. The last thing I told him was that I'd protect everyone we love. So I tried to ignore everything, and let those who needed comfort find it. So much so that it appears I have not had the time nor the ability to mourn properly. The most painful thing is to wake up after sweet dreams of sunshine, thinking that it was any other day, that nothing had happened, before realization hits.
Today was the wake. All because of my "blissful" relationship tales last year, I appear to have lost the ability to cry. In fact, I only teared a bit. Of course it doesn't help that you're crying inside, crying to the void but no one will ever hear it. It's just sad. Ironically, one of the last things he wrote about me (cause he couldn't talk) was asking of my results, and the phrase "Have you seen his girl?" Shit. I have a picture with me now. It's in my writing pad, to help me remember, and to push away the pathetic thoughts about "my girl" and help me press on when the going gets tough. At least there are SOME who care, especially Yen, who showed the most concern so far. Thanks friends!
For the time being, I guess the picture might hurt me to look at it, but eventually I'd be able to be motivated by it to carry on. Damn, I kinda hate life now, cause there ain't much of a silver lining to living, where and what am I looking forward to?
If not for the living and the dead, I won't even bother. Seriously.
Ok my thoughts may not be the most articulate here but today was the funeral wake after all. Cut me some slack man.
This may be my last post here, so cheers to all you readers.

Yeah you heard what I said.

2009-04-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have a real need for someplace where I can like freely complain. No, not complaining as in my normal whining for fun, but as in really rant and pour out my misery and pent up emotion. Really, this was like the prime reason for my searching for that special someone. Unfortunately, in the opposite sex I find myself highly disappointed. I'd been shown to my face time and time again that once girls like hear you out once or twice, they start to get annoyed with you and like tell you (or hint) to fuck off.
Sensitive. Thanks for the concern, its really helped me lots.
Well then, since my blog's off my msn, here I can finally rant, shout out my anger, frustrations and sadnesses to the unending silence, and no one will be there to hear it. I think even my guy friends have their limits heh but really I think life's just that hot.
So what if my birthday's around the corner? It makes no difference, I just get more expected from me. Hurhur at least can smoke. XP
I find life's positions strange. One moment, I was the one looking for girls for feelings, not looks, and Eddie was the one going for looks. Now, after learning never to feel too much for one person time and time again, I am looking out for looks, while our friend Eddie happens to fall in love. Good luck there, at least you have a good team.
See man my results also vair nice I got quite a bit to look forward to. And to all those pompous assholes who look down on me, go fck yourself, failing which you can try a tree.
All my good humor with jamming vaporised cause I tried to ask someone a simple question, unfortunately said person was so "hot" that she my good mood evaporated and now I'm boiling too. Thanks loads.
My best consolation's that I no longer feel the hurt I would have previously. Unfortunately, this also means that I lack the propensity to love anything or anyone now. :/
Well I guess I could do without that. Being callous can be fun too.
Personally, I think it would be interesting to read my blog like 10 years down the road, in the event that I become really screwed up, I could reminisce and see the road which I took to arrive there. Haha. Well at least there's one girl that I know who's better than the lot, but that's cause she herself had myriad relationship shits too.
Ok I shall stop here cause' I'm really too annoyed and utterly disgusted to continue. Mere words cannot convey the extent of my feelings.

Towards the Silence

2009-04-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

Again its an annoying time. Thanks to the huge heap of conflicting and different advice I've been receiving, I think I'm going insane. Somehow because everyone has so different views on relationships, the things I'm told to do are so different there can be no compromise. Albeit, I realize that I probably have already made the wrong choice.
"I guess I'll wait and see what happens, see how things work out with her first"
"So you'd still like her that much then? In that case you're really stupid."
Really stupid. Really stupid. OF COURSE I'VE BEEN REALLY STUPID. DO YOU THINK IT'S GREAT FUN TO BE STUCK LIKING SOMEONE WHO DON'T AND WON'T LIKE YOU BACK? DO YOU THINK I REALLY LIKE MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE ALL OVER, THIS TIME WITH MY EYES WIDE OPEN?
Sorry, but I guess I had to vent it. Honestly I don't care who reads this or what they think now. If your reading it, who think I was stupid, then just look at it and hopefully you'll sense the wrenching pain of my decision. I can no more go against it than if I were to tear my own heart out, cause that's what forces me onto this highway to hell.
Heh, as for "ignore everything and mug", I think its in pursuit of success in life, fair enough, but I feel there are different standards of success, and what I'd like is merely to be happy. Hence I can't sit there and do nothing. Well I hate to admit it but that's how I am. And yet again I am unfailingly creeped out by the number of weird people in RJ, perhaps only comforted (?) by the fact that others probably think me weird too, continually harping on this.
Well I bet you would too if the person tormenting you is continually in so close proximity to you, and there's absolutely NOTHING that you can do about it.
Reiterating on something I said before, its like touching an open wound. It hurts, but some sick fascination draws you to touch it. Somehow.

Save one breath for me

Loyalty of your heart?

2009-03-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Ok at least the CTs are over. But then comes the question that I'd put off till now. Which girl is the one? Or do I pick neither? Wth I was on the verge of my decision already, damn it! If either of you girls are reading this (you know who you are) then I'm sorry for my indecision, sorry to keep you hanging, well one of you anyway.
I thought to just try things out, see how they'd go. But then again I'm being advised by many people NOT to and in fact I don't see the reason why I should go dating if I know the other party is interested but I'm personally not interested. It would get your hopes up and I don't want that to happen, I know the extent of torment you'll go through if that happens.
I think going out on dates with no "intentions" is perfectly alright, I've done so before and I quite enjoy it, since both parties understand that the date does not like make them together or something, going out with a girl alone is an extremely rewarding and enriching experience, and I also learn how to please girls better ^_^
But anyway. Seriously won't this just go away? This whole week I had nightmares, and she appeared in like 3out of the 5. Damn, not in some sicko sense, but in the sense that I'm afraid to lose her, even though I never had her, and dreaming of her with someone else is really some torture. I really need to get over this, if I'm not going to try further that is. Honestly, I think a crush won't torture me to this extent man.
I think my heart isn't loyal to my body, if not it wouldn't cause me so much trouble. Lol.
DAMN DAMN DAMN I WISH I WAS IN RI AGAIN!
I really really wish I could have been back in 4P, just for a year longer. I miss the carefree nature of things, we could really screw around, be ourselves, mess up and laugh at it cause' there wasn't anyone to show off to. To play, learn (not much though), sleep, eat in class with others like you. Hoai, miss it. Swearing loudly at each other and no one means it seriously, no one feels insulted either, just letting stress go. Or even the random crap, reckless driving, pardus, dota, softball in class, our trademark curtains, class challenges, lab escapades, the mealworms and conc. HCL in the cupboard, watching anime and playing com using the school stuff...man it goes on. The people too were awesome. But tomorrow, we get to meet up! Heh. At least I got my fun still. One more day, just one more day and I'll get down to this sticky business again. And meanwhile, I'll continue to hit the gym. First impressions do count see? :D

Old Maclaurin's farm

2009-03-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

Great, I spent ages and only marginally understand my arch nemesis Maclaurin's series expansion. Damn. I think it's only worth a few marks at most. And I probably won't get all of them anyway. Let me show you how my math has improved after my cramming:
Lack of time+Noob Math= Fail.
Ok I regret to the max not being hardcore through the hols and the start of the year, now I'm pretty screwed. I don't think one can improve that much given that I'd only hardcored for like 2 weeks. That said, I hope at least to pass the math. My econs has officially been uh, relegated to U. I think chem also, if my last test is any gauge on it. Hopefully if I cram for 2 days more I can do it. Now I just hope I won't screw up my lit or GP essays. Gah stress!
And to top it off, I have pretty scary decisions to make after the CTs that I have to look forward to. To choose a girl who I'm more than good enough for, but whom I don't currently like AT THE MOMENT, or to choose a girl that I'm NOT good enough for (and probably never will be, in her eyes...ok nevermind) but whom I like still very much at the moment? Shit, life gives me a lot of great choices. Damn again, I should be mugging now trying to make my econs into an S or something, but I cannot concentrate enough.
T.T

A train station is where a train stops
A bus station is where a bus stops
No wonder my PC's called a workstation.

A lie, when softly whispered, cannot be heard

2009-03-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

It has been tiring. I spent so much time loafing and being sad that I missed a lot of my schoolwork, and been spending lots of time recently catching up on it. Recently, I've been talking a lot with Eddie and thinking. Ok, so my last attempts at chasing a girl were epic. So I'd been behaving like an idiot all that (this?) time. So writing a book to confess was a real damn bad idea. So there's no wonder I failed badly. It's no one's fault but mine actually. That said, what should I do now, I asked myself. I guess it's time to move on. If along the way she'd like me then so be it, if not then there are others. There's definately someone in this world who'd let me be what I really am in front of her, and like me for it. To quote Eddie anyway, "your relationship story was not a tragedy. It was a bloody comedy!" Damn, so it was true. Heh you'd think having prior bad experiences I'd have learnt. Ah well last year I was young. Now I'm more versed in the ways.
By the way, to those of you who like writing, you should drop the notion of using writing to confess. From past experience, it is the ultimate means by which to get rejekted, and not in a graceful manner at that. Even freaking Mr. Darcy from P&P found this out the hard way.
The next time I'm gonna grow the nuts to tell her straight to her face, whoever "she" may be in the future. There are actually many opportunities to find girls. Plus there are J1s now :D
But thinking deeper, I probably won't find a girlfriend from RJ. I think many RJ girls are idealistic, and I'd never be good enough for them, or I must be the "one" for them. That probably comes from reading too many love stories or dramas. But hey, I was once foolishly like that too. So I won't blame anyone. I think neighbourhood girls mostly take what they can get, so they'd be easier to appease. Plus, my school would then be a plus point on my side! XD
This is not to say that RJ girls suck though. Please don't get me wrong, you're all nice and such, but I'm just stating that my prospects would be higher on the other side. Think on it this way. How many of you RJ girls would date me if I asked, and you knew me well enough?
You'd probably see zero.
*grins* The grass is greener on the other side, even if the skirts are not.

Fine Eyes

2009-03-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

Heh this week's been quite crazy. And it's not over yet...
Chem SPA on monday lol actually not supposed to talk about it. But SCREW! I miscalculated and wrote oxygen Mr as 16 WTF zz.
Then the econs test. Likewise, I reiterate my point last year that we should always remember to practice our speedwriting for econs essays, cause' if not you're gonna die for them.
Well I'd been taking a new approach to people and life in general, trying to be a nicer person and generally to be the most pro person I could be. And it seems to be going well...
At least I now can talk easily to her. Ah well, all's fair, in love. Thus, if you're not going to be better than your competition, you fail nay? So time for me to buck myself up :D
Speaking of which... Eddie's in love again, for the like 3rd or 4th time in 2 years. Heh well this time ya seem more serious eh? So, good luck! XD
Haha i wanted to talk more but I gotta go back to chem cause' the test is tomorrow >.<

The right path

2009-03-01T05:46:00.000-08:00

Okay hi to the 2000th person who came here. Anyway, life's been really hectic and more than a bit tiring ever since. No wonder I can't spend much time here. Had tough times and good ones, not to mention the fact that I'm probably gonna pass my first math test in some time :D
Lol there was lawsoc camp on sat, well though it wasn't as good as could have been hoped, at least not completely fail. Got punched in the face though, during captain's ball >.<
And there's this week ahead which I really just have to bear with. Tomorrow's gonna be hard, starting with SPA, then GP presentation and econs essay, with no break between. Hai. Then there's the chem test sometime soon. Bet there's gonna be a lit test too. NAPFA also this week, screw it I'm gonna get silver only cause' the weather sucked so bad I couldn't even run at all. And the CTs are coming T.T wth! This is J2 nay?
At least after this week's over, I might actually be able to grab a slack, hang out with friends, even bring Faytle out for a 'date' (FYI my guit's called Faytle, she's also my 'wife'). I'll also embark on a quest to better myself in order to perhaps win that girl's heart. Who knows? Miracles do happen :)

(I might be tempted to switch to wordpress just cause' there are some things I wish to express but are kind of private. But the templates suck! T.T)

And what should have been...

2009-02-13T07:55:00.000-08:00

Today was v'day celebrations. But it was also friday the 13th. Apparently the misfortune accompanying friday the 13th is more imba than the love of v'day. Lol. Today quite suay sia. First was the damn present. Of all the stupid things, the only letter with "I <3 you" on it has to be her initial. So fucking stupid lol, in the end i wrote something and asked her to choose, obviously she chose the letter, which said "good friends like you are hard to find" or something like that. Well I don't even know if I'd been rejekted to my face this time. But truth is, the rest of the day was too cool, so much so that even this kind of thing didn't come as too much of a surprise.
First thing in the morning go get coffee then get scolded by the aunty for not returning the trolley the day before when we brought refreshments to the lawsoc thing. Damn, not completely my fault. My neck was aching like hell whole day, wanted to like die or something. And of course I had no money to get food cause' I bought presents. Lol and I got one and only one present. After checking with Bak, I realized that my standing in class is something akin to SoonYoong or Blee in his class. Like WTF! :O
After this failure on v'day, I even more want to give up the girl. But even if I decided to like finally force myself to drop her, no matter the pain, I won't give up on the concept of love anymore. I realized that its better to live for an ideal that doesn't exist rather than for a reality that's trash and screwed up.
For even if there really was no such thing as love, there ought to have been. For love is a beautiful thing.

Sea of uncertainty

2009-02-11T06:25:00.000-08:00

Oh no! The day is fast approaching and I am completely immersed in a sea of uncertainty! What to do?! To ask or not to ask? Would I compromise my slight progress this week by trying to revive the game? Would I be able to succeed if I asked? Would she get annoyed more? Is there even a chance to succeed? Grr I cannot answer any of these questions. And the worst part is I can't answer to myself if I fail anyway. If I don't do anything and fail, then the "heart" part of me would ask "Why did you not try? Now you'll live forever with the regret of never having tried."
Or if I tried and failed, the "head " part of me would say "Why did you do something so stupid? You might have had more chance if you didn't try!"
Screw man if only humans had either a head or a heart and not both at the same time.
Advice anyone? :(

I will wait for you

2009-02-07T07:44:00.000-08:00

Apparently my mom looked at my fist today and said I have only one love line, but a very deep one. If I'm to put any stock in this at all, it means I will fall in love with only one person, and marry that person and have a very nice romantic story.
Isn't that sweet?
Whoever you are, I will wait for you.

Fight to the end

2009-02-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

Take 5 was about a hundred times better than last year (answering Gan's question of course). Wow vair romantic man, beach yanoe?
Ok fine actually we tried to go cycle but spent most of the time teaching Bak instead :P
Watch talentine, then saw WJ get unplugged on stage halfway through performance. But still manage to save himself so it wasn't that bad, then the dude throwing out sweets from a bag threw his handphone out into the crowd LOL epic funny.
Lunch with class was really booring cause' like no guy talked much to girl and vice versa. This once again shows the disunity that's coming over us bleh perhaps due to A' levels.
Gym again, while I haven't actually gone for a while, I'm surprised that my bicep curl improves to 10 x 30kg per hand alr. Which actually goes to show how hardcore the PE has been anyway.
Lol that wasn't to pose. Anyway, crash Onite and quite stupid la just go screw around. Was quite fun, but not enough of the P people turned up so not as good as it woulda been.
When asked about Vday, I said I had someone in mind to ask out but
a) The person would probably decline
b) The story behind this is so cool it makes Othello look like a comedy. Which it technically isn't. (ok maybe a bit exaggerated)
Either way, like this is the last chance we have to find a date for the next 2 years so I guess I'd try for one anyway :D

For he who runs at just a thought,
No victory if no battle's fought.
XD Love rhyming its quite fun.

Sick Romantic

2009-02-05T07:02:00.001-08:00

Ah crap tomorrow's Take5.
Half of me wants to pon, remembering the painful memory of last year's. Then again, I might be able to purge those memories if I went and had fun. Damn, how to decide?
I figured that my life has many problems mainly because I keep looking at things in a very weird manner, perhaps if I were to try looking at things more conventionally...
But I can't! Somehow I don't know why but my perceptions are damn warped. For example, I don't even know if I believe in the concept of love at all any more. On one hand, I want to call it just a plain old desire for easy and convenient sex. On the other hand, I seemed to have found something more, though I couldn't quite place it. Besides, existing for sex is just some really stupid idea.
Honestly, given the choice, I'd much rather still live for love, even if it doesn't exist. At least the desired outcome is wholesome, and even if you never make it, you'd feel good anyway, because you tried till the end. Hopefully you'd never have to be proven wrong.
Well here I am ranting again but really my thoughts are messed up again and I need somewhere to air them. ARGH.

Crimson, my brain bleeds its sanity out

2009-02-04T07:09:00.000-08:00

I must really say, although I never expected such a bad relapse, today was quite trying. Suddenly in the morning the rage and desire came over me again, feeling like unleashing all that violence so bad I probably behaved very strangely and did some things I could not control. Ah well. For those in the know you'd like understand. But for those who don't know, its like alright cause' you probably think me insane anyway.
Heh.
I decided to pen down my thoughts while I was in that state and it kind of helped quite a bit. Once I got like enough sense to read what I was writing I almost died from shock. Honestly, I would not want to share it. Just suffice it to say that it wasn't pleasant. Though a lot of it was influenced by metal lyrics. Which may be something that's causing me to be that screwed up but hey, it's like the only music that doesn't make me feel bitter after listening to it (other than classical but that doesn't have lyrics).
After that I seemed to like completely change my mood and become high or happy or what ever I was. Wow I really am the insane.
Anyways, apparently it's the mark of metal guitarists to mainly be insane. So at least, on the bright side, I'm well on my way to being pro! :D
Today jamming was much better, pulled off a couple of songs like Reptilia and whatnot.
I'd like to say that I didn't care, but next week is valentines day and I'm kinda being put in some black melancholy cause' I am reminded again of LAST year's which was a shit. Anyway, at least its on saturday so
1) No need to expect presents/give presents
2) No need to see all happily deluded couples parading their foolishness in the streets
3) I can sleep till 2 pm again and thus skip half the stupid day

Even so, I bet I, in all my infinite wisdom, will still get it into my head to go down somewhere in the city to like think things over again, by which time I'd see many couples and get damn pissed again. Well, that's life. You'd like to destroy what you can never have.

When the heart turns a shade of black

2009-02-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

Heh contrary to the title's implications, I'm not going to emo again here (much :D). Instead, this here's dedicated to a very bleak day, a day where I just felt so damn sad and went to Suntec on my own to like think everything over, the wrong decisions, the misfortune of liking someone who'd never reciprocate, the bitterness of YET another failure. So, while I was out there, I concocted a random poem. It goes:

Humans
Have within us our personal
Demon.
Called forth from our own infernal
Love
That beautifully depicted
Curse.
Mindless fools sadly deluded
Embrace
Such a sweetly decorated
Malaise.
What a faithfully narrated
Love Story
Beneath it all it was really
Blasphemy.
Everything begins with merely
A kiss
Yet such a small act would unleash
The Beast.

...and here the poem tapers off into incoherence and insanity as I use graphic and disturbing images that kind of make no sense. "drink of the cup of iniquity taste, blood. Feel the curse of man in your broken, heart." Something like that. Gone already, I was at that point. But no matter, while the poem ain't good, it does bring to mind the terrible effects that false hope and love can ravage someone with. It's wise not to think of such things. But anyway, I'd like you sad single souls to know that this valentine's day, there will be at least someone like you who will sit under the starry sky thinking and dreaming of the person who will never come. Be comforted. Wow ok so I did manage to emo rant again. Grr better think positive man! (even if you look like a raptor D:)
Well J2 kind of sucks cause' like everyday we get some shit to do and thus cannot enjoy ourselves, can't even look at the oh-so-slight improvement in scenery in school. (I mean the girls :P) Meh whatever. Life goes through tough times, just bear it. Unless your're sick minded, don't read the next 2 lines, it's a 4P pep talk kinda thing so you know what it means.

"Life is like...my *any name for manhood here*. When it gets hard, that's when the fun starts!"
(Grins) Yeah it is. Fun time :D

Unchain me

2009-02-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

Well I'd like to say that my perceptions of people changed.
I did hear many things about people prior to meeting them, but I decided to give them a chance in my own eyes before judging them. At least I wasn't wrong there!
Banner painting was fun, but I still need to put the stuff up tomorrow so need to go early. OK that's it goodnight!

I may be dreaming awake

2009-01-23T05:23:00.000-08:00

Lol I still haven't shaken it yet. But really, I guess if I concentrate on something else hard enough, this would just go away. Thus, we decided to try forming up as a band for real to jam now. Heh it's really good to have friends in your band, then we could skip all the attrition and politics and arguments whatever. Or at least make it easier to handle. Think of a nice band name! :D
Erstwhile, while thinking about you guys, I realized I forgot to blog about that cool niteout. So we is to talk about that now nays?

Well it was always quite fun to try new things. So we decided as a group of friends, to go for a "formal" dinner in the hols. Well we did dress formally, and went to Crystal Jade (XD specially significant to someone eh?) to have dinner. But then we realized OMG we don't wanna pay like 40 bucks per person to eat! So we ate random small dishes of our own instead. Lol I ate porridge with abalone it was really quite awesome.
Heh it does look pretty nice what! Anyway, during the course of the dinner, we obviously talked a lot of crap la and also took pictures, which can be found on FB in due time, if we ever like get the guts to post pictures of our insaneness online XD
But anyway, here are the people. Here's Bak and Eddie with a public display of affection. Both got damn nice expressions LOL.
The next 2, featuring HP the shift and Leo who was probably the only one wearing a real formal attire heh. Vair nice man!
Ah here's the last 2 dudes, yours truly, who looks like he's threathening someone, and Choon who looks like he's threathening me. Or sth LOL.
So there we are, just a random group of guys.
After dinner, we went to the top of the Suntec fountain, where people usually like go dating. True to form, there were several couples there but they only WTFed at our activities and didn't interfere so not too bad la!
I wore singlet inside long sleeve shirt! Vair cool sia walking in the city in long pants and singlet LOL also literally cool what.
We spent quite some time screwing around and taking picts. Let's review...
Ah the 2 of the at it again, must have been influenced by the couples nearby. Me in between, which probably explains my pained expression. Leo's always happy to see love though!
Bak's expression is classic. My pose is spastic.
Hp thought my shirt was cool so he borrowed it while I walk around in singlet :p
I think my expression here quite interesting :)
Well at least Eddie took this pict, so we all quite handsome XD
AND WTH WHO TOOK THIS? I look like the major wtf LOL. But it can't be Choon cos he was on the phone. OMG I BET IT'S A GHOST THAT WANTS TO MAKE ME LOOK REALLY STUPID! Zz.
Anyway, we have our fun. To quote Leo "We can get high without alcohol!" Aye great times with you guys. I should treasure the time we have together and not waste it being emo over meaningless things.
Well it's been a nice day as well cause we went LAN for the first time in ages. But I guess it's time to rest, considering I slept over 1 for the past day/few days (can't keep track : /). So yeah. Happy Chinese New Year people!

And once again the tide goes out

2009-01-19T07:30:00.001-08:00

Sickening. I lack words to describe my state of mind. I think the closest to it would be "fuck". The damn book is still at large, spreading venom throughout the wound in the heart. Sometimes I guess drastic measures would be in order. Kind of annoying that I have to deal with dumb things like this when I have the A levels to contend with as well. A mistake I have made, the price I have paid. Tenfold. Thousandfold. Was liking someone ever a sin? Now it is lul. Oh yeah and I failed the first test this year bleh. Annoying, it better be the last. This fail was the result of my dumbass being emo over something that was ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS and COMPLETELY FAIL. Yet another side effect of the liking. It is the ultifuck. Thus I conclude a straight ace technique to enter the gloomy world of depression is to like someone. Or have an absolutely fabulous tuesday to look forward to. Ending at 315 with ONE break and having to endure being constantly in sight of HER is a very draining and nasty experience, preferably one I'd like to forgo. But then, life's like that nay? One thing I can say, I congradulate myself on having balls. (in case you dunno this means being brave)

Depression :(

2009-01-17T07:31:00.000-08:00

And I can't seem to shake it. It's been on me since like the start of the week, if you noticed carefully, I was very antisocial and even left the clique to go home early almost every day, in fact, I only ate dinner once with them. Damn what's wrong with me? I bet it's got something to do with my relationship status yet AGAIN. Fuck, this time there's no direct link, but I'm pretty sure of it. Even the passing away of my great grandmother didn't cause this much gloom. So why's things like this? I even got the 1k budget I wanted to get my new guit.
I don't know, even though I'd been studying like a lot since school started, somehow, life seems to have lost its meaning. Could it have to do with my final admission of defeat? (you know what area this pertains to) Possible. Or maybe it's because dota sucks now and I can't even relieve myself that way. Or the timetable sucks. Or the weather sucks. I have no idea. All I know is that I don't feel like doing anything at all, so I've got to force myself to do things I think are interesting. Hate this. Better get over this soon, or I'd go insane. Damn, damn, damn. Hang in there man.

It was so sad it was funny, or maybe it was so funny it was sad

2009-01-16T07:44:00.000-08:00

Due to unexpected circumstances, I didn't manage to blog for a while.
On monday, my great-grandmother passed away peacefully. She was turning 100 this year. I wasn't extremely close to her, but still of course I felt a bit of sadness at never seeing her again on earth. What shocked me was the lack of emotion I truly felt. Honestly, when did I become so cold? The very night before, I did my lit essay on death and how people deal with it. The next day, I found myself repeating what I said in a twisted parody of my own writing, in order to comfort my mom, who was very close to my great grandma. Life's full of unexpected twists.
On tuesday, the funeral day, I had another weird experience. Suffice it to say that I now know the perspective of some unfortunate girls who have problems in love affairs as well. Now I don't know who or what to blame for my failure, except myself of course. Are you really worth that much to me?
Well the rest of the week was pretty trash, hectic and boring. It seems that time has been creeping since the start of the year. Or maybe it was my insomnia. Either way, I'd been very antisocial lately, I don't know why, but I wish to go home early after school instead of hanging around. Even with the J1 batch's entrance, (where there seem to be some girls worth looking at) I still feel like runnig off.
Last of all, I'd been rethinking my last year's love affairs. I realized that I've been damn immature and stupid, innocent and naive. I epically lost ALL my face with the giving of the book (which is partly why I'm so desperate to get it back), and whatever remained was erased through my poor treatment of the whole thing. One has to finally admit defeat sometime I guess. The thing is how not to feel regret and sadness about it. I guess I'm going to have to learn how to do that. Meanwhile, this is for you girl.
For the heart I'll never have.

Thus the beginning of the end.

2009-01-11T06:46:00.000-08:00

Well its the start of my last official year in the raffles group.
Kind of interesting that after 5 years, I'm back in RI again. Haha.
I'd like to comment more, but I gotta sleep in case I can't wake up tomorrow. Bad to start a year with a white slip. I'm gonna talk more about the count down and stuff some other time, promised haha. I'm even gonna put up picts, so stay tuned if you want.

Thus the brave souls went forth, forging the beginning of the end.

My own Ten Commandments

2009-01-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, in case I forget, I'm gonna write down my resolutions for the year so I can like stick to something this year.

1) Say less obscenities. Aye, it may go along with my image of being low life and crude, but still I think I might want to change that. It's about time to grow up.
2) Mug. As in, really mug. I need those A's for the A levels.
3) Get a life. A real one. This may be hard with all the mugging and stuff but I'm pretty sure I can at least maintain this one.
4) The "were". Generally means gym till I am majorly overpowered. Which is a matter of point of view. Currently can do 15 chins (only zzz). Though people think that may perhaps be a lot *ahem* Peng *ahem*, I think more is better. I want at least 30 before I am satisfied.
5) Gain some serious weight. Well people have been tellin me and I've been trying. But I will grow huge yet, I hope.
6) More friends. Especially girls. I hope to banish the entire stigma I have about girls from my twin epic disasters of relationship making. Thus, I need to get to know more girls, nice ones who're willing to get close enough to me to prove that the venom of "love" does not kill relationships.
7) The seven. Need to clear all the rubbish up. Burn the stupid book. Hopefully learn the truth and also make up?
8) A valentine. Never had one, so I guess I'd try for one this year. Well if I fail, gotta wait 2 more years y'noe.
9) The guitar skills. Both electric and classical, to satisfy both sides of my personality. I wanna serenade people, and rock ceilings down. Better start practicing!
10) Be a nicer person. People would think of me as "damn screwed up" sometimes. Well I won't deny that I can be...excessive at times. But I'd try to change that and hope to be more likeable.

These are the 10 commandments as laid out by Moses for himself to follow, and he jolly well better follow them, or at least make a decent attempt to.
Maybe after this is done, I'd be able to face myself in the mirror.

I'd post the countdown and reflections on last year soon, when I get the time!

Let the tide wash it away

2009-01-01T09:22:00.001-08:00

Happy new year people! :D
It's been a real hell of a year. Well agreeably, things were not as good as they should have been, but it was still a happening year. There were many bad times, but so were there good times. Whether I be staring into emptiness while I feel hopelessness at my aunt's condition, or laughing and gesticulating excessively while talking to friends, all these experiences and memories served to make me into what I am today.
I could have gone down a better and brighter path, I guess. I could have completely thrown off the shackles of the past and become a completely different and better person. But I realize now that no matter how imperfect or screwed up this person may be, he was still the person you people chose to befriend in the first place. That being said, I wouldn't have had to change to live up to your expectations anyway!
Thanks for being there, whether it be by my side as I faced many, many horrible obstacles, or listening to me rant about my abysmal love life, or enjoying a laugh with me as we completed a particularly entertaining lesson, thank you for just letting your path cross mine. I may sound like a hypocrite, but this is how I feel at this moment.
I know I made a hell lot of wrong decisions this year (ALMOST all pertaining to relationships :/), but there were right ones too. Like...urh... well I can't remember any offhand, but I'm sure they were there...right? And to top things off, I didn't bomb the promos as bad as I thought. But the real challenge is right on, so lets face one last thing together yeah?
We'll ace it yet!
The countdown event we were helping out with was also pretty fun I guess, but yeah that'll be a post for another day, I'm sleepy right about now.
Suffice it to say that, I want to clear away the failures and tears for this year before starting a new year fresh. Let the tide of time wash all these small marks away, making your life (and mine) a pristine white beach (NOT like those on Batam). That said, once again, happy new year and best wishes to everyone here for the year ahead. May we all excel in every area of our lives!
Ps, if you are reading this girl, I want my book back. I'm sorry if its a bad offer to ask for the return of something given, but it really must be removed from this world. It's a taint on my mind of a painful past and a future that was never meant to be.

Massive Trauma

2008-12-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

So once again I'd been overly naive and stupid. I really should stop trusting girls altogether...
Well it's been a great time. For you.
Fuck you bitch.

What's done is done/Dark secrets

2008-12-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

When there occurs something really screwed up in your life, something you've done, some hidden regret, it's really hard to forget. Its really hard to get over. I can tell you this for a known fact.
I, for one, have a pretty dark side to my past, that very few know about. Perhaps you've heard rumors or guessed. Maybe you were one of those I told. But yet, at the time where it was all happening, which was in like Sec1-2, I never told anyone or let anyone know, not even those closest to me. I thought I was shielding people from the screwiness, that if I told them then I'd lose my friends. Well, at that time I was, lets just say, not the most confident person. I underwent something which was outlawed in Singapore already, a process to "unlock my full fighting potential". Let's just say it was not a good thing. Never recovered. The scars would show, I guess, to those who know what they are looking for. Well, to my credit, I haven't lost a fight since. But I think its screwed for someone to enjoy the fight, the feeling of fist hitting flesh, foot cracking against bone. I can't control that, I like to hit things. One of the aftereffects of that shit was this bloodlust thing I have, or the tendency towards violence. While perhaps I can't control enjoying it, I can control myself to not do screwed things like randomly picking fights. When someone pisses me off in some way, there's this strong urge in me to smash the person up, and tear him or her apart. But I force myself not to. I do that often so it's natural now. Even though all this shit about the bloodlust and sinful enjoyment is damn screwed, I find solace in the fact that I still can control myslef. I hope all you who read this and know me will understand. Haha ok that sounds not like my normal self, but yeah, this is the blackest part of me which I think I should not hide from your trust.
To those who perhaps have not seen any nice side to me, or think me insane because of my differing personalities at times, it would be due to another side effect. That is, somehow, when the violent images played, somehow they stayed in my mind, like a drug you are addicted to. Thus, my thinking deviates to those screwed things even if I don't want them to. My imageries dwell on blood, death, oblivion, destruction a lot of the time. To keep myself sane, I have another outlook on life, one that pretends that I have never encountered this shit before, and thus the nicer side of me. Well the other is quite insane and I guess people can tell when I'm sane or not. Well people NOW think I'm insane cause' I just told them so. Actually, its more of cordoning off your consciousness I guess. I'm not insane really!
And maybe the part people think about, why I can't get over things easily, especially the girl things. I thought perhaps if I had the girlfriend, then I'd be able to cast off all the shit, and live life as a nice normal guy, with a better thing to focus myself on. But since I hit the crap luck with girls and failed, I cannot be like others and vent anger and sadness by various means like playing or stuff. The ultimate release of anger for me is only the fight. But I have to control that. Any other release is incomparable. Having kept this pain for so long, the result is my perception now. Poison, when left on its own, loses its potency, becoming only bitterness. Thus what happened, I'm now bitter towards girls and think of girls as fickle and only caring about themselves. Well I'm trying to change all this now, girls please be patient with me if I sometimes am an ass.
This year didn't help much, with the new family problems and the epic girl problem in school. This time, I kept expressing my anger and sorrow in writing instead, and I guess that helped. But it's made my blog emo haha. I guess I'm more mature now. I feel that hiding the truth won't change it, perhaps letting people know the worst of me would let them understand better. I feel I can do something to change this, I won't be chained by what's been done to me.
For those of you who know me from sec 1 on and are reading this for the first time, its true, so believe it. Perhaps it may answer why there were some things I did that were damn screwed. Or maybe you are right now hating me or WTFing me for not telling you before. Well I guess you'd think on it and realize if it were you, you'd probably have not told your uglier secrets to others. Or you might want to know more. That perhaps is discretionary. I am sorry if I kept it from you. But I hope all who've read this will understand what it took for me to write it down, and will not hate me for being what I am and for hiding things. Everyone has shit in their lives. Some perhaps more serious than others, but all in all, we all can deal with it, we just have to be strong. I have been, and will continue to, keep trying my best to become the better person that is who everyone wants me to be, and not the insane that I can be at times.

This time, I have no random words to leave you with haha. Please try and believe me and accept this. I really want you to understand. All of you. (and no, I don't need councilling or therapy, its a personal thing)

Once upon a dream

2008-12-10T07:54:00.000-08:00

To quote Hp, "The hols are ending, so hurry up." Well, that was said 2 weeks ago. And yes, they ARE in fact, ending.
Like a whisper in a dream, time slipped through my hands yet again, and I'm no closer to my A's. Well actually, I AM closer to the actual A's, but not the grade. Meh whatever.
This hol really passed with the same quality as a dream. It started off with the waking nightmare of crap which I shall not deign to talk about, then now its just some gray haze that passes too quickly to be noticed. Like the sights outside a plane window, everything seems to shrink away from my, as if I were flying away. I had the dinner with my parents on their wedding anniversary last sunday. It was in a real posh place with a buffet of good food but somehow, the beauty of the place and the exquisite taste of the food was lost to me. Part of me was nonchalent. Another part was crying because I seem to have lost something important. I think when I did the retard book thing, my heart went with it. Now its no longer with me. I gotta see her to get it back sometime soon mans.
Ok back to the main story.
We went to cover the J2 Prom for the photog. The entire op was an epic. The booth outside where we charged to print photos did a grand total of ZERO sales. No one prints pictures now that there's facebook. Perhaps we could charge for on the spot facebook upload or summat.
The picture taking was worse. The lighting was the boss of all time, spotlights and psychedelic rubbish everywhere so it was hard to focus. And the damn spotlights kept shining me in the eyes. I was almost blind after that -_-
But it was an interesting experience I guess. Though I felt like some crappy perv standing at the bottom of the stage with this camera looking like I was trying to upskirt the prom queen or something.
Anyways, we saw the whole event and realized, gosh (almost) everyone was wearing suit or dress and looked so formal. The entire thing was like talking and camwhoring with little actual eating lol. So unlike our gradnight, I guess it was more like the RG one where the people actually dressed to look pretty and not to look outstandish or weird. Like ours.
To end off, heres some picts from our gradnite, for guys to feel nostalgia and girls to see the difference in our grads.
Aye so heres most of the people from our table minus a few like Eddie who's probably off at the toilet "doing his hair", and Daniel and others. Damn but we didn't manage to get SY to drink his coke (which was a weird shade of orange, probably a result of the salt and chilli in it). Who's the bugger who tipped him off?

Ah and here is a picture of a pastime of us 4P dudes, getting the stack on Peng or Paul. Here we have Paul getting stacked for the 10th (at least) time since the grad ceremony. Hai, being head boy seems dangerous now nay?
Well yeah so the rest of the pictures can be seen online at FB if you're interested. There are very few, cause' unlike the RG side I think our class was more interested in screwing around than camwhoring.

Fight on for the memories
Of the everlasting dream
Their pain in the silent lands
On wings of love we're free

The Swan's path of your heart

2008-12-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

Do you believe, that if you follow what your heart tells you about anything, it is the absolute truth? Will you follow your heart even against the better judgment of your mind?
Will you throw away what your mind holds dear to be loyal to your heart?
I did.
Perhaps it was the worst mistake of my life. Perhaps I should have done it another way. Perhaps I should never have at all. No one will know. Not even I. Even though my mind told me that there was no way I would succeed, that I would lose even the friendship I still wanted to keep despite failure, I went ahead anyway. Of course, now the regret sets in. But still it was the path my heart told me was right? So it would work out for the best. (?) I try to tell myself that. That even though I have experienced this setback, this was the right thing to do. My heart told me, that deep inside, I knew she shared this attraction to me, that she'd accept what the hell ever I was trying to push at her. My mind told me that I should have played for MY personal gain and not do such a stupid thing.
I listened to the heart.
It was lying.
I was always a romantic idiot, regardless of whether I admitted it or not. I believed that our hearts have a special way of communicating with one another, that when one heart felt the attraction of special care towards another, that heart would feel it too and would tell it so, despite whatever our physical bodies may do. So immersed within this delusion was I that I failed to think rationally. I imagined that HER heart was telling me to do this as well. Hahaha you people may think me the insane. But I have to admit, at that point, I WAS the insane. Now I see clearly. I see how hopelessly foolish I'd been. Damn, if I could rewind time I would make it all right. But this is life. Real life, where your minds control everything and your hearts tell you soft lies you should never listen to, despite how sweet and enticing they sound. Really, I'm a living example of what happens when you listen to the wrong thing.
I don't know how to continue I guess.
My heart lied. I wanna rip it out and eat it. Or something. But my mind tells me I'll die if I do so. This time, I'm gonna listen to my mind. I think its smarter.

Does it truly pay, to be THAT loyal to your heart?

What calls to you most?

2008-11-28T08:35:00.000-08:00

I've been reading the book "The Virus" in my spare time between the bear treatments. It talks about some weird thing that infects humans based on what calls to them most, their inner demons and greatest wishes. In turn, they would then find others who affected their lives in the greatest manner, and infect them. There was a girl whose boyfriend was stolen by her best friend, an insane boy who killed his pet out of instinct and guy whose girlfriend was an insane. All in all, I liked the storyline, and the degeneration of human spirit into insanity and waste as the whole world becomes infected and turn into creatures with marginal intelligence, crazy metabolism, and hunger for flesh, human flesh.
Heh it gets you thinking, what would make YOU fall to something like that? Will it be a screwed family life, a crappy "no-life" personality, or some guy/girl that you like?
I know for sure what does me in. It is...the cibus. In every book featuring any species of cibus animatum (walking corpse AKA zombie), they ALWAYS have the power to infect others to become cibus too. Well apparently I got infected sometime in the early holidays and got around infecting people. Literally. I got sick thanks to the emotional backlash that occurs after the epic book incident. Then pass to friends then now ALL become the cibus. Sigh. To change that I plan to become the bear. And not just ANY bear. The WERE-bear. Go gym till insaaaaanee!~ WOHOHO!~

What is that deepest pining in your heart?
I'll make sure you have it.

Somewhere in time

2008-11-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

I will find you and love you again, like the wind sweeps the earth.
Haha! Sorry I'm really in love with the song "The haunting somewhere in time" now. It's like very apt to me :D
Anyway, I have been working on the map for the 4P ppls, if you have ideas for skills or sprites you want, tell me and I'll see what I can do.
The new holiday routine for me is hardcore, featuring protein filled meals (gosh I hope I don't get gout :P) and gym 3 times a week being fanatic muscular is damn fun! Well its a better kind of no-life than sitting around being sad anw.
The damn electric is DEAD! WTF! I just bought this year damn it!
So, its back to my trusty wife, replaying and learning new classical songs to melt even the coldest of girls' hearts. (well maybe except HER)
Doing CIP also (quite unlike me), perhaps to atone for my sins? I kind of decided that the reason why I can't get over this girl thing is because this is God's way of punishing me for giving the same kind of hell to my parents. Or something. So I go do CIP then maybe God won't hate me so much ^_^"
Then perhaps I can get down to mugging at that...
Haiya sian, the major question is, why can't I get over it? So useless meh?
Besides this, I realized it was EPIC STUPIDITY to give a girl solid evidence of our feelings in BLACK and WHITE (or actually blue and white) words. DAMN! Lets just hope she's destroyed it like I asked. If not I need to get it back! Uh...help?

What would make the blackest villain into a hero?

Regret

2008-11-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

Well it appears that I'm not the only one facing rejekshun. But anyway, when one fails, another succeeds. I saw one of my friend's targets with a guy on the train today (as fate would have it). What can I say? I expected no less from girls. Never looking for the sincere, but for the muscular and black. Heh. I channel my energy into that then. Make me muscular and black! Then I can have my fun in this world nay?

I should never have bothered liking someone for liking's sake.

When the day's as dark as night

2008-11-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

I know why this feeling now. Even with my close family, my parents and brother, I never ever did care as much as I did for that one stupid fucking girl. I dunno why, its a curse only I am afflicted with. I can't seem to return the love of my parents and family, no matter what. It's like there's something blocking me from loving the people who really matter.
I was punished with this hell, now I know how it feels to "love" someone who does not and never will "love" you back. Even though, of course, it was never my fault that I can't love the important people in my life, OR that I fell for the wrong person.
Of course, life would be fair, should both of the above be true, and being as much of a bitch as it is, I don't think it would ever do that.
Yesterday, I spent the whole time trying to find myself back. Where did the laughing child go? Where's the boy who used to marvel at the deep deep blue of the sky? Where's the guy who ran free on green hills under azure skies? Where's the boy who didn't care what others thought of him and loved life?
I know where they are now. They all died. After this recent incarnation of me died, I went to the afterlife, and found them all there waiting for me. Of course, they are all afraid of me, seeing my bitterness and anger. But still, they share one thing with me. They were all killed by girls.
I believe, that I should have been given at least a fucking chance to explain myself, this recent time. Somehow, I feel that I've been played by someone, or something. Things can't ALL go wrong on their own, can they?
I took a walk around the fountain of wealth last night. Inside the building, the smell of food pervading the place, I found several couples looking happy. Bile rises. I walk out, climbing the winding stairs, hoping to find inner peace in the noise of the busy city. At the rim of the fountain, I find MORE fucking couples walking around. Blood boils. Red mist. Kill. Control. Please. Help. I...actually cried there, what the hell. I think all this fucking relationship shit is turning me into an emotional wreck. I can't take this, together with the demons from my past, all at once.
Both times, I no longer even manage to maintain contact with the girl in question. Guess they couldn't wait to get me out of their lives. Fuck.

A life without hope or dreams

Oblivion

2008-11-22T02:36:00.000-08:00

Hello, how are you?
It is a really dark and gloomy day outside nay? And you're just coming in to get warmer right? Well sorry, but this place is not really that warm. In fact, its damn cold in here. Well whatever, since you're already here, why not listen to a rant?
Ah come, sit down. Help yourself to any drinks you want. There's some lead shots in the fridge. Or would you like this? 3 year old arsenic, never been used before! Care for a taste? I think its the best after its dashed with a little cyanide. Anyhow, come, come let's listen shall we?
You see, the thing about life. We are all trapped in a spiral down and down to oblivion. Why else do you think our DNA's that shape? All will face this spiral at some time in life. The thing is, what brings you down? For me it was that final girl. What about you? Where's the culprit behind the uncommitted murder?
When you fall you'll know. Its this sinking feeling in your chest you cannot remove. It just takes all desire to do anything at all. So you sit there, alone in the darkness, watching the world drift by while you think and rethink possibilities and questions, regrets and missing answers. You just keep thinking until the darkness claims you and you fall asleep.
Ah you won't understand. You haven't yet reached that point in life. Well be prepared. Really, I should have seen this coming. But sometimes, you're just so blinded by foolishness, believing in truth and honor and most foolish of all true love. Ay.
In the end however, some don't get completely destroyed by the spiral. They feel anger and hatred instead. So they break the spiral with this newfound strength of theirs. And now, angry and hating, they embrace the world. That's what happened to me. So don't think too badly of me until you yourself face that problem. I'll let you in on a secret. You know what caused me to break the spiral? It's a small thing. Just one sentence.

"No one gets out of this life alive"

So. In the end, the girl who thinks she's so mighty will be reunited with me in death. I will be waiting. Oblivion will rejoin all together, the mighty and the weak, the popular and the meek. And then, maybe then, you'd realize the hell you've caused me. Oblivion awaits. See you soon.

Those without hearts seeking something to fill the void, found hatred in its stead.

Bye bye beautiful

2008-11-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

Finally the hills are without eyes
They are tired of painting a dead man's face red
With their own blood

They used to love having so much to lose
Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins

Did you ever hear what I told you?
Did you ever read what I wrote you?
Did you ever listen to what we played?
Did you ever let in what the world said?
Did we get this far just to feel your hate?
Did we play to become only pawns in the game?
How blind can you be, don't you see?
You chose the long road, but we'll be waiting

Bye, bye, beautiful!

Jacob's ghost for the girl in white
Blindfold for the blind
Dead Siblings walking the dying earth

Noose around a choking heart
Eternity torn apart
So toll now the funeral bells

"No need to die to prove a lie"

It’s not the tree that forsakes the flower
But the flower that forsakes the tree
Someday I’ll learn to love these scars
Still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words

...How blind can you be, don’t you see...
...that the gambler lost all he does not have...

Lyrics. Perhaps a point that I have in my mind? I don't know.

We are 100!~

2008-11-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

Haha its the 100th post!
And I hit the first 1000 views since I set the counter up 3 months ago! Lol a very significant milestone in my blogging history, first time I clocked 100 posts on a blog in my life LOL!
I shall not spoil this beautiful post with any emo stuff.
SO
Not talking about girls or RJ. It is time to talk about.
4P!
Wow I really can't believe you all sia. In the morning I see doctor for stomach flu and fever. Then I go sleep wake up still feeling like shit. Actually considered NOT going.
BUT I THANK EVERYTHING GOOD I DID!
Haha! Been damn long since we went out to arcade and swear at the machines and monsters and shit for owning us! Watch Slau get owned by Jorel at MVC till finally he win ONCE! LOL NOOB! HAHA but damn funny to watch him sia I really miss how cool joker our class was guys!
The dinner was winnage. At Seoul garden lmao. I sitting beside the table with the insane JOREL! WTH you cook better than Ben la! The others were Nat Kevin and Leo. I was doing fine, then I heard someone shout "WHAT THE F***!" then I went to look and really wtf sia Jorel put some raw egg in the steamboat, then put one piece of WATERMELON on the grill! Then I hear Kevin telling me "fried watermelon is nice to eat!" then I myself went "WHAT THE F***!" Then they tasted the watermelon and got much swearing haha. Lots of shit sia. The watermelon ended up like bubbling and popping all over me and I got damn pissed so I threw some leek onto their grill. Then the Jorel and Nat came back with some egg and mashed it with rice and pasted the whole cummy mess on the grill. WA SIAO! Smelly like hell la. Then Jorel take his chopsticks shove the rice off the grill into the fire pit, then burn till black and damn smelly! Zz. The remaining rice burnt and gave off the same smell lol.
After that I realized our table the steamboat pot water evaporated and end up like some shit stew or wth I dunno. So I threw beef in and pour more stock. Then the Jorel table said gonna clear their steamboat. So I took the whole soddy mess in the pot and chucked it in theirs. In this way I eluded the fine for wastage of food (btw the bulgogi beef at seoul garden tastes like shit)
Then celebrate Hiok's Bday. Lol he look damn WTF in the pink FBTs sia! Until we actually realized that they were longer than his PE shorts he was wearing. =_=
I made a dick with the sausage and fishballs! But it was Eddie's la mine not so short...
Hai I miss those times! I wish we could always do that man...

Ok Picts. This is the part where turned to look at what was inside their grill...

And this is the part where I commented on it. Betcha can guess what I was saying XD

4P FOR THE GREAT WIN!!!~

To me.

2008-11-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

It has been some time. Yet another week, my mental state remains as unstable haha.
Seeing everyone around me like going off doing many useful things, getting work attachments like the HP or CIPs. And where am I? Stuck at home getting cut on the jagged edges of broken dreams.
Ay sucks. Wish I were stronger then perhaps I'd be able to take this shit better and get over it.
She'd have finished her O'levels by now, and we would have been able to go out...
Well that was how it is in the dreams. Or I'd be with the other person, the one who haunts my waking moments. The one who, for a moment, I believed to be the right one. Haha. So many fickle things flit through my mind, its a wonder I'm not insane. Or perhaps I am. I have given the girl a new nickname to alleviate the situation. Basically I guess it doesn't hurt so much in the sense that I can throw the damn possibilities of relationships out of my mind. But in both cases, I appear to have lost the friend that I started out with. The first is probably gone forever. The second? I don't know, but she's like afraid of me (maybe because she thinks seeing me is awkward?). If this friendship dies too, thats what really hurts me most. I did the ultimate act of stupidity and burned my chances (however slim they were) to nothing. And for what? All for the fucking truth, I felt that I owed my friend the truth. Well if there no longer is a friend, then I'd done that for naught. What the fuck.

All for her and all for me.

Where villains come from

2008-11-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

Oh man. I realized that after telling her the whole story and thus destroying my last chance at a true relationship, I have not felt free at all, unlike everyone else. Like I said before, my liking her caused me to feel good whenever I was a nice person, doing good things. No doubt people may have thought better of me for that period. But now that hope's been crushed, all that I've done good serves to play as a mockery of wasted time, effort and emotion. So. I feel the urge to return to my old life of being damn screwed up. I really have no more incentive to be nice. Some people, cast as villains by the world around them, will never be able to get the bright relationship they need to heal the wounds and start life as a new person. They will then feel the bitterness of the world, and would bring those same feelings back to the world tenfold. Perhaps it is only me that sees myself as a villain. Bad enough. I know I lived a bad life and done violence to my fellow man. I have enjoyed the feeling of bloodlust and the blood fantasies you would experience in a fight, with the red mist of berserk frenzy at the edge of conciousness. Haha. I think, no girl would accept that. Well, no girl in her right mind anyway. I know my capacity for violence. I know I can kill a fellow man without qualm. Who could love such a person?
Heh perhaps I'm just a bad person trying to find something to purge this vileness. I've seen many screwed up people change completely because of a girl. I would have done the same. But fate, it seems, would never let me go towards being good. All the girls I liked so far have given me pain and no returns. With each failure, each scar on my heart, it becomes harder to be a better person, harder to see the beauty in the world. In fact, there is no beauty.
I denounce the nice things I've done.
Where something like this has made people like Leo think more and enjoy the universal love, becoming a better person, so has it made me a worse person. I know I never will be able to compare my personality with any of my friends. Having failed at love, I will try for the other strong emotion. Hate. Odium. Perhaps it would accept me?

(No) Remorse and (no) redemption.

Heartbreak Rhapsody

2008-11-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

I realized I have been ultimate stupid.
Not only in what I did when I liked her, but in what I've just done. By doing the dumb book thing, I have still my own set of questions left unanswered, and she'd definitely not want to take them. Not only that, it also stated all the painful truths that is a confession in an impersonal manner. I wasn't even there to give her the exact meanings of what was written, so perhaps she might have misinterpreted it. I don't know. It's over, for the 3rd fucking time in recent history.
The last few nights were complete hell. I lie in the dark with pain in my heart all the time, thinking "If only I hadn't done that, if only I wasn't so stupid, if only I'd guarded my heart more, if only my previous try was a success". If only dreams would come true. Well actually they do. The nightmares, that is.
Now, she knows that I like. Now she feels guilty? I damn well should never have done that stupid act! I should not have written the damn book, nor given it to her with so little understanding! Damn damn damn. I really hope this will not screw my next year life in class lor.
Even though I'm supposed to feel freedom now, I feel like the drive to life is gone. Like I'm being pulled through life like a helpless marionette, not doing anything out of my own will, but mechanically, because I have to. Why can't I be like the other guys in this? Even people who failed got this bit of recompense, except me! I suspect that some part of me still felt there was a chance even after giving the book, that she'd be touched by what was written and like, accept me?
WHAT A FUCKING STUPID NOTION AHAHA!
Goddamn, I can't even fail properly now. I won't sleep tonight. I know the haunting pains will come again, and the silent tears will fall.
This has been very painful for me, I can't decide if it's more painful than the other one. Life's fair. Those people who have been cast as villains by the world don't deserve to get happy relationships, they are destined to fail and fail painfully until they see the world as so screwed that they become more blackhearted. It goes on and on like a downward spyral to hell. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of those villains. She was my reason for trying to behave normal and nice. In fact, when I am nice and proper in front of her, I feel good doing it. Guess thats gone. My last candle of hope for the Light extinguished by the dark hand of fate.
To the God whom I desperately want to believe in during this dark hour, I pray that You will guard my heart well, I really don't want to go through this again. Let me not fall for another girl who doesn't and will not like me back. Amen.

Quiet dark night, midnight melody.
Can you hear it? Heartbreak's rhapsody.

Terminus

2008-11-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

The end of the PW season! Yet, I'm not really happy.
Stupid relationships still cause me hell and beyond. I feel the bitter irony, I'm trying to tell her the whole story and to end this rubbish. But there's trouble along this road too. More and more people are being dragged in out of nowhere, I really don't know what to do larh. I though doing the right thing and the nice thing would mean smooth sailing but looks like I was wrong.
I really cannot continue. I feel the pain through and through in my chest, burning my very soul.
I wish I could return to the times where my blog was just a place where I documented my daily life. Like when we won GwH for SYF...
Or the time when Kevin opened the ammonia in the chem test...
Or the chalets...
All lost before the girl. How life has fallen haha.
Well, please let me have the chance to explain it all and maybe, just maybe, things will return to the way they were...

Heal my heart...

Puzzle without pieces

2008-10-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

I realized that few people have come here since I changed skin, perhaps people like to read emo and don't like the new change in setting. :/
Ah well. Tomorrow's the day of judgment. Also the actual end of the stupid OP rubbish I'd been slaving over for ages. And perhaps the other affairs I can resolve to will be resolved and the hols will be fun for me!
I decided to drop the hardcore metal stuff and play classical love songs, then realized that I hadn't touched spanish romance so long I haven't got the barre skill anymore. Damn.
Well, getting back my skill at classical would help me attract more girls I guess haha.
Some emo dude who write's (bad) poetry and play guit, who can resist! :D
Ah delusions of grandeur.
Weird things happening a lot nowadays. Some birds flew off with my fried egg at lunch yesterday. A foot long snail is currently inching towards my house gate D:
Some crazy cat gave me scratches outside my house >.<
Animals don't like me hai.

Some times in your darkest dreams you will feel the haunting pain,
Silent tears of your hidden fears come to haunt you once again.

Lost Sheep

2008-10-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am lost yet again. I hope, really hope and wish to get the friend back, even if relationships are no longer going to be possible. Yet I feel perhaps it may be possible? Mixed signals. Confusion. Doubt. Gyah really I don't know what to do, and school is ending. Whatever I want to do or have to do I think I gotta do it like soon. Real soon. Grr.
Otherwise I think I'm kinda happy, though when I am alone myself sometimes, I do think and feel sad for what might have been! Or when I go out I get jealous :(
I want advice! Send your advice on whether I should try for friendship or relationship or quit or continue whatever! I just need some 3rd party opinions. Email these to f4llen_h34rt@hotmail.com now and stand to win a grand prize of 2 bucks for the best advice :D
Lol that was stupid but yeah I want some advice tyvm :)

Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow.
Now he's lost and is waiting to be found once again...

Camaraderie

2008-10-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I receive proof that no proper friendship can be sustained between a guy and a girl. You see, once the venomous touch of romantic attraction sets in, be it among the two, or involving an outside party, then things will fall apart as fast as wet tissue.
I don't know why every time I try to get past this, something will happen to own me.
Really, I think I should have been treated better. If there was ever anything that bothered you, you should have told me everything as what a TRUE friend would do, and also thrashed things out till both sides are happy. I really value my friends, and it does hurt when one of them reveals their true nature to be like this.
Even so, I have to console myself. After all, there's no sense in trying to maintain such friendships. While I may value it a lot, I know you certainly don't and even treat this like some pain in the ass.
I think I shan't be stupid and try to fix things every time, like a dog begging for scraps.
Even worse are the special feelings.
You will never be able to fathom the hell you've put me through, girl...
But now, saying my final goodbyes to this friendship. You finally proved me right irrevocably girl, for that I owe you. May your deviating path in life be smooth.

Let your emotions sign you an aria of grief
And shattered dreams, healing wounds bleeding beneath.

Catharsis

2008-10-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yet another time when I had a long talk with Leo.
I feel that I now understand myself better, as well as all these new emotions that have come out because of growing up and seriously liking someone for the sake of liking.
One of the major mistakes I've made this year is in my treatment of girls. Somehow, ever since that realization that I was being cheated or maybe I was deluding myself, I tend to think that no friendship with a girl is going to be left untainted by some form of romantic inclination, and no such friendship would be able to withstand that kind of shit. Also perhaps was afraid to admit that I didn't want friendships with girls for fear of reliving that nightmare. Well since I already am in the process of reliving it I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I should perhaps treat girls as any other guy then maybe I would be able to deal better with others.
Secondly, I know I may not have been the best of company in class. I always would seem unstable and damn emo. Well, some of you might know, life has not been very kind to me this year. I've been down to one of the lowest emotional points in my life. If not for constant support from the people who care, I would likely not be here to write this now. Bear with me please, perhaps even forgive. It's been a bumpy ride.
Thirdly, I always think that girls think the worst of me. Perhaps this is high time this complex left me. I think having a first experience with girls that was SO bad not only screwed my impression of girls but also left some long lasting hurts. They are still in the process of healing. Girls, please be patient.
A last realization would be the fact that everyone is just who they are.
As long as I am true to myself, as Leo pointed out, the rest of the world could think me screwed up and I won't care. We should all accept others for who and what they are, and more importantly, accept yourself. It will be damn hard for me, I know, given the number of internal demons I have, but I believe that one day perhaps the sun will shine on me again.
And at long last, the relationship thing. I really think that even though it may have spawned hell on earth for me, it is just something natural, perhaps also born of my desire to erase the previous shit with a new and happy story. I should have nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth, and neither should you. It just means you were good enough, and I was brave enough. I don't have any other motive or expectation except to come clean. Please do accept this and not kill me when I present this most vulnerable point to you. I hope that seriously, even if you do not consider me in that special light, allow this person to remain your friend. It would be harder on me than on you. (or you could always give me a chance :D :D)
Meh what the hell, am I still hoping?
Damn, that kinda spoilt the tone to this ending. Ah well.

It was only at the end, after the felony was committed, that he realized everything.

When we are out there in the dark...

2008-10-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

We'll dream about the sun.
In the dark we'll feel the light,
Warm our hearts, every one.
Come on, you have to know those lyrics!
Haha it has been a looong day and way too tiring also. ALL the results back on the first period, let's just say I did better than I expected :D
Some tube of acne cream and a rotten make up dish thing found pasted all over the inside of my bag. Wash until everything soggy already. Then had to carry all the shit around. Was not in the best of moods till school ended, then finally got to hang out and relieve that stress heh.
It's kind of interesting how people deal with relationships. We all decided to either dormant or quit the games. Either way, it was ourselves who got into this nay? I for one have decided already. But I somehow lack the balls to do it...
Grah, life ain't that fair, I guess when this all is over perhaps I would settle down with some random Lian or something from some random place heh. It appears such people MAY indeed be more sociable and open...
Talking to Her makes me feel damn lousy and failure. I probably should stop trying. But I think ending like this will be a damn good and fitting end to a lousy love story which deviates so much from a love story to become a tragedy that I would grade this a fail. Ah well that's my story.

Ok. Now. Proof that I am not as emo as I sound.

Haha! That was during out class BBQ yo! See that I still can wish for peace and smile ok!
Who the hell said I would let relationships screw up ALL my life? Maybe some parts, but hey I still can be happy de hor!

It's results that count.
Mine aren't that great.

Blood is thicker than water

2008-10-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Well people, it has been a journey.
All sadness and no gain. What a waste of my time. In fact, I got a worse situation now than previously intended. Sigh.
I realized that no matter how hot the water is, it cannot be changed into blood. Not by me. I know it was stupid but this is where I ended up. Ah well...
Water is thinner than urine. Its a fact. A relationship between boy and girl is equal to urine, its useless and a pain to have around. So, that should be the natural case, that you would value your piss over your water. However, I now feel that the mistake I made was to do the very same above.
I lost a friend over a stupid fucking relationship. I also lost the will or desire to make close friends with ANY girl, after all, my first girl close friend turned out to be like that. I see now. If I never did feel that I could bring the relationship to a BGR, none of this stupid fucking shit would be happening now, we'd still be friends, I'd still think of girls normally, if not in higher regard.
WELL GUESS WHAT?
I'm sick of this shit. Sick of watching all my close girl friends get pissed off with me just because they think I like them or I professed the latter.
It's time to make a change.
I won't make this mistake again.
Though it may hurt to break my one chance at that ideal relationship like this,
I think, a friend is worth more than a mere chance at having a romantic relationship.
Plus, this dumb romantic thing, it ain't going nowhere. Both people are gonna get hurt if this persists. Better to tell the truth faster, then things could go back the way they were, and she would not feel so awkward around me.

If you are reading this, girl,
You should know now,
I said I'd always be there,
I will still be there,
But this time,
I'll be there only as a friend.

Nobody's perfect

2008-10-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

I realized that nobody is perfect. All have their own flaws, and no one can expect any other person to be able to understand and empathize completely with any other person. Today's conversation with Leo enlightened me to this. Now, this is the case, so I have to accept it. Nobody's perfect.
Well then, since nobody's perfect, who do I like? People would ask/have been asking nay? I tell you. She's nobody.

A Nobody is what's left behind after the heart becomes a heartless -KH 2

Trial by Fire

2008-10-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I did something quite stupid yet interestingly noble. Given the choice between 2 people who would you side with, that one or your friend?
I don't know what the hell I am thinking at the moment, but I can say that I think we should always stick with friends.
Ok I have lost it.
Shit.
I should be a hell lot more sensitive to girls, and I would NEVER again talk about weight in front of girls, seeing as how I bet a lot of girls are so jealous of me that they want to kill me all because I can eat like hell and not get fat. Ah well, it's this very thing, ironically, that prevents me from obtaining a girl of my dreams. Life likes to play with irony nay?
Oh but after talking about my past fucked up relationship life I feel better. So much so that I wanna talk about some physics thing we did in sec 2 or 3.
The question was "Explain explicitly why the ball would slide slowly down the slope before falling steeply as the slope falls away."
The answer (this is uncensored) "The fucking ball slides down the damn slope because its fucking gravitational potential energy is fucking being transferred into fucking kinetic energy and thus it bloody moves faster until the fucking drop, where the goddamn ball falls right fucking down to the fucking ground because of fucking gravity."
Lol. I loved those times.
Nah we never actually submitted it but it was fun anyway!
Pw dry run on Wed zzz.
I want to slack also cannot sia! Won't relationship problems and the like just...go away!

Those were the times, my friend,
We thought they'd never end.

Slaying the Beast within

2008-10-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have to post twice today. Felt damn lousy after this morn, so I went to rest. Could not sleep, lay awake damn long thinking about my past relationship life. I realize its actually been one damn long sad screwed up story.
Perhaps I would write it down. Maybe it would help people understand me better.
Ok here goes.
My first target was in sec 2, someone I met randomly. That could only be like baby playing la. I thought I was being interesting and brought her to eat at Han's outside National library. I had a hell lot of fun. Then, I thought of this damn bright idea to go zoo with her, because she wanted to play with Orang Utan or something I forgot. So we went, seeemed to go well until the end. Her FRICKING father came to pick her up without prior notice. He saw me then thought I was some asshole who was trying to play with his daughter. Shouted at me in public, things like "You think you RI can anyhow with girls arh?" That was the end of that. The pain of a short but sweet relationship broken. The humiliation of public embarassment. All these contributed to my madness and anti-establishment behaviour in sec 3.
Then. The more serious one. Act 2 took place in Sec 3-4. I knew this girl for so long. I knew her from somewhere I won't say. Anyway, I only started getting the feeling in Sec 3 end. Then started hanging out with her and some friends randomly. Had a lot of fun. One very particular conversation at the Esplanade bay haunts me. The night of bitter-sweetness.
Friends: Hey, lets go toilet, leave those 2 to their privacy (snigger)
(leave)
Me: Erm...
Her: They always like that one la. Relax!
Me (lies down): Ok. Ahh this place is damn nice, especially at night. I love the night, it's so peaceful.
Her: Yeah I love the night too. I especially love the stars and moon. They're so pretty.
Me: Like you...
Her: Heehee thanks...you not that bad looking also what.
Me: What? Really meh!
(friends return) conversation ended there.
Well its all that I can actually piece together offhand from memory anyway. Bah you may think its nothing but it was a special time for me. Then in sec 4, I followed the advice to confess on the V day. I did with a card going to the house. Had a long talk, thought it went well. Then increasingly, she started becoming colder, though we still went out with friends sometimes. The third month after that day. I finally found out that she already had this guy she liked and was going out with. Some bastard AC rugger. She never told me, I don't know why. I assumed the best and say its because I still got hope. So this year start I thought still can, I deluded myself into thinking so. V day again. I got flower. Wanted to give her that. Outright rejection now. I finally realized. I stopped. Now I can't bear to talk to her. I became damn screwed up now. Thinking the worst of all girls and the concept of love.
Even so, I managed to fall again. This time, the feeling was the strongest, either I grow up and my feelings matured more, or its the right target? Whatever the case, I never thought this would happen. This story ain't over, so I can't reveal the details. But I can say that there is also a guy involved and I ain't no match. This story will end soon. I plan to reveal my hand. That way, my hopes will be crushed before they get high, so it won't be as painful, no doubt it would hurt as hell already. That's why I went out today, to get my thoughts straight. I hope my stupidity will end soon, and I won't fall again. Some were never made for this love...
In this, I am alone. I envy those who can get those girls so easily. I really wish I could have been one of you. Really I do. But the fact is, some are not gifted with that attractiveness nor character nor attributes. Who'd like ugly stupid emokids lol.
My friends, I hope you will be with me when I make the ultimate stupid act, this is only in self preservation, if I let this feeling build more and if it gets dashed to pieces, then so will the remnant of my sanity. Please guide me and let me survive this act. May God help me too. All who care, protect me from myself...this Monday.

It's past the point where I could turn back now.
Help me while this goes to the bitter end.

A magic trick

2008-10-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I feel I have to do this.
If you are wondering at all why I keep saying I can't die if I'm stabbed through the chest.
Its a figurative thing. I never denied that I had a black heart. But now its beyond black. I think its been stabbed so many times it no longer even resembles a heart.
In fact, the pain of this gets less and less. I only feel the fleshly hurt now and no longer the pain of the heart. Heh. I think there will definitely be other guys who are in this state of numb, where things no longer matter as much. I know there may be some girls who are similar. But, I don't care a damn! Hohoho, it's a prejudice the same I have against AC :P
I especially hate girls who are shifty and lead guys on or at least never outrightly reject a guy at the start, when actually they completely don't have any feeling towards them and never will. Or worse, already got boy. Those really deserve to burn in hell together with the cardinal sin of romantic love.
Ok this would definitely have helped out some sad soul who also got burned by the black flame of passion felt when you like someone who does not reciprocate but behaves so.
I know the world is DEFINITELY not as sweet as you think. I know the true ugly side of the world. I know the worst nature of a human. I hate love and love hate.

He was stabbed in the chest, yet did not bleed nor die
What is this? This is MAAAGIC!

Once more, with feeling

2008-10-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I get thrown back here. Today another person, someone whose opinion is quite reliable, related the information that the person I liked was very pretty. I know. It's like there's something that's preventing me from dropping this. I can't believe it. Need someone to help me get over this haha.
I really cannot put down the potential that I would actually have found the right person. Nor the many times where I dreamed of what might have been. Well yet another of life's cruel pranks on me. I cannot and really cannot decide whether to give up. Help!

"To feel the warmth of her embrace,
Or to see her beautiful face..."

Solace in Darkness

2008-10-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

I think somehow that I cannot face the world properly anymore. I walk around in school with this hunted feeling, like someone is watching me. I think it has to do with guy girl relations and I think its really ironic.
I already think there exists no hope, yet cannot bring myself to stop hoping. I know the stories, some have the evil person meeting a girl willing to accept him, and he changes for the better. It's stories like those that keep me believing in a thing called love.
Well to disclaim, I really not being emo, but I just finished OP draft script so I'm kinda bored...
Anyway, I'm giving this trash one more week. If nothing interesting happens by next week end I dao BGR become monk alr... : 3
I seek and find the comfort that lies in the darkness. If you don't see me around anymore, its because I'm hiding in dark places where the light won't shine on us. We are nowhere. But being Nowhere is damn fun haha, our secret projects and a place where we can play and swear like last year without caring about others! Singing stupid songs...don't I miss those times!

Guys date their girlfriends at the park,
I find my solace in the dark.

Echo of the past

2008-10-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

Today, I spent the day with the people whom I spent the past 2 years with. Its this great nostalgic feeling, when all of us are together in one room, being able to shout and swear and play games and laugh, without caring about what the hell others were thinking about us, because we knew that we all would never be able to break this friendship with anything so trivial. We all know each other inside. We know that we are all nice people at heart. Being there just reminds me of a time where we were free, free from any real care about studies, free from the cares of girls and relationships, a world of innocence and purity, without knowledge of the damn lotion or bear or what the hell other sick fantasies people out in the world have.
No groping, no flirting, no thinking, no dreaming, no worrying. A world of freedom, my friends you know what I speak of, the Good Old Days, and I really mean good haha.
I know I've changed a lot. Part of me embraces the change, and knows it is time to grow up. The other part still wishes to remain as an ignorant and innocent guy with no thought about how my actions affect others, only that I have friends, family and am happy.
It's not possible, we all have to grow up. For good or for bad, I would not know. I have potential to be either. It's the people along the way that would guide and shape me, but for me to choose in the end.
On a different note, the secret project P has enormous potential, I just witnessed it today. Having that amount of killing power is awesome! I'm gonna get one!

By the way,
I'm writing this not for cash but to express myself, if you think it's too screwed or my language not bombastic enough or my metaphors not nice, my face not handsome, my name sound funny whatever, just don't read haha. Please don't get pissed off lmao!

Today I heard the echo of the past,
Back then, I always knew it wouldn't last.

There is someone somewhere watching over me...

2008-10-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

I just realized that no matter what, I still am the same old person, like it or not...
True, I've grown quite a bit this year (compare to my 2007 blog entries haha) but still I have not outgrown my need to prove myself. Ah well.
I also got to know the feeling of liking someone for real. As bittersweet as it is, I'm kind of glad I got this, cause it means I actually have the propensity to do so. Haha.
I figured that I need to bear more responsibility for my actions as well. While it does hurt to have to grow up and face the evil that is the true side of the world, I feel I have to take it someday. Mom going overseas for a conference, means I gotta take care of my bro and the house. See what I meant about growing? Haha.
While the world isn't as sweet as I'd like it to be, I can find sweetness in friendship and who knows, maybe even a relationship?

If you eat something that's unbearably sweet, would you feel good at all?

(Only) Human

2008-10-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

Ok actually, the previous post was pretty emo sounding. Bleah. But you know I actually am happier now!
Anyway, after going out with sec 4 girls like that, it made me really feel the lack of the innocent life that we led in sec 3 and 4 as well. How much we miss those days will be beyond words.
Ah well, we have to move on. ALL of my friends are having relationship stuff and problems now. It just shows how owned RJ is because we are all getting owned for trying for REAL relationships. Yeap, even the nice people (if you think I'm not nice then its not me, but there still are some nice people).
Hey let me get my take on this straight.
While I personally have little hope of getting one, doesn't mean I'd stop trying nay? For the totally depraved to seek divine salvation. For a evil person like me, searching for that better half of mine, it really can be seen as something dirty seeking after an object of perfect purity to cleanse it. It is nature after all.
But, I don't (well at least trying not to) get emo over these things now, because you see, the more importance and thought that you spend on this, the harder it is to talk to that special girl. So, spend less time thinking and more time preoccupied. It does help.

An echo of a paradise once owned by Man

The word that never was

2008-10-03T09:40:00.001-07:00

Ok, for the benefit of those still not in the know.
I found the ideal relationship already. It has nothing AT ALL to do with romantic love. In fact, you could even be this ideal person that I can maintain a relationship with.
I would say that an ideal relationship is one where both parties can connect on a level above just talking, where interests and thinking match, and where you just feel happy and needed in the person's presence.
When I think of these things, I only can think of my friends. Haha.
I somehow cannot imagine myself in a romantic relationship with anyone anymore. It's just not there, like the word LOVE, which never was really a word. Tis what breaks many a man...
In fact, its the root of all evil. When you invert it, it becomes evol, sounds like evil nay?
Hie hie I think this is just the black hearted villain being sour over something I may never experience. But given my position, I think you'd be sour too, all you princes on white stallions...
Hahaha suck on this sour sweet, I found this little piece of heaven where I am happy for now. Imagine, the villain is happy, while you stupid heroes run about pleasing your dainty princesses. I think, maybe some princess would kiss the toad one day, and I might turn into a prince? Or maybe I become a frog. Whatever.
I never believed in it haha.
Its a word that to me, never was. Never is. Probably never will be.

Would you feel pity if you knew that
Somewhere out there someone
Is aching in his heart because
He is thinking of someone like you?

12.40 in the night, Someone is thinking of you

2008-10-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

And then last night, I dreamt that she accepted my confession...haha.
Dreams are screwed up lol, last time I dreamt she liked the other one instead. Well either or neither is true, I don't care. I woke up thinking, "From where does such idiocy spring?" Ah, whatever.
I found my ideal relationship already, now I am more peaceful. Though I still can't drop my hope in the world that somehow, somewhere, a good relationship based on love does exist. And one day perhaps, I might find that one...

Thinking of the night sky, the stars, and you...
Damn it, you spoiled the beauty of the night...

What's perfect in life?

2008-09-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

What, you expect another stupid emo post about how a relationship between a guy and a girl and how it can/will be perfect blah blah...
That's NOT gonna happen (ahah surprise!)
Because...
I'm done with this shit! I found the perfect ideal relationship on Monday at OG outing hahaha yay! Hooray for me! :D :D :D !~ I'm so happy I can't relly describe it ahaha! This feeling of freedom and the unbearable sweetness of life really cannot be dampened by anything! Whee! Haha!
Life suddenly feels better :D
I tell you more people should learn to be like me :)
Hmm, I feel like changing away from this sad blogskin, should I put flowers? Or hearts! Heehee really too happy with life now sia hahaa!

And you said I would only be happy in YOUR arms
Now I laugh at you and all your stupid charms!~

Fantasy requiem

2008-09-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

It seems as though I cannot pull out smoothly. I can't ignore the imba feelings. Another wound analogy, this is like when you get a bad injury, and its healing yet not completely healed, you get this sick urge to touch it and feel pain. Somehow that's the case.
I hate this.
Kindly,
A) Give me a list of ways to purge myself
B) Intro me to someone who can go on a "date" so I can prove the fact that there was nothing special about her after all
C) Uh shoot me in the head?

And meanwhile, please, no offense but, GTFO of my mind!
To cut this tie, I need a very strong scissors. I could turn to hating everything again I suppose, but that would push me back where I want to exit from. How, how, how. Why did I ever let myself actually like someone?
Mistake for a guy to make, if you think your not hot enough, don't try for girls. In fact, it would be wise if you totally IGNORED this shit. Really, its not worth it if your looks let you down. Or you not rich.
I got stats to prove it ok!
Of the 20% of girls unattached and looking for attachment in RJ,
1/3 are out to cheat your money and feelings
1/6 are crazy
1/6 are not very hot
and the last third are those who already like someone and are doing things to get his attention so they won't notice you.
In other words, singles, don't waste your time.

What are your special somethings in this world?
Tell me!
Hope, faith, kindness and worst of all love.
From where does such foolishness spring?
The only morality in a cruel world is chance.

Did it really matter?

2008-09-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

The promos are over. I probably died for maths and possibly everything. But I don't care anymore. Somehow, there's this apathy towards everything around me now. I actually enjoyed myself for only 1 hour plus, then I got the tragic realization, and I really didn't feel anything until later when I was trying to sleep, that the pain started. Its like when you get a really deep cut, how you can see the bone and muscle tissue for a while before the blood gushes out, and even then the pain only registers after some time.
I realize that after all, someone like me would never be blessed with that kind of ideal relationship.
Ironic that I thought it would be good.
First in sec 2. That was fate's cruel trick against me, but then again it was such an immature attraction I could only say it was puppy love.
Then came the long standing hurt. I won't say much, save that the story was black to the core, and that it was some of the worst shit that could happen in one's love story.
But the feeling I had for the past few, I swear, cannot be compared to those I've been having recently. Its the kind of feeling you get in really good dreams, or when you lose yourself in sweet memories and daydreams. Wish I could have kept these forever. They were the best actual glimpse I've had as to how it feels to have a heart.
That was simple naivety. I should never have given myself false hopes, nor even thought that such a perfect thing existed in this corrupt world. How many times do I have to be burnt by these ridiculous things before I realize that after all, a true relationship only becomes successful if its based on lust alone?
Perhaps I should go along that road. Leave the dreaming to the perfect people. If I think only that way towards someone I "like", having no true emotional feelings towards them, I would not be leaving myself open to being hurt so bad anymore.
I hear stories of others' success. I look at my own many failures. Some are meant for that kind of perfection. Others are meant for sex. The road I have to take? I don't know. Will someone please tell me if I should stop letting myself be hurt? Or carry on because it would all be worth it?

You know the thing about life?
It's bitter.

What really matters...

2008-09-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

You know, I think my promos are really dead. As in, I really have only finished studying chem, and I don't think I can actually do very well in it, but yeah. Circumstances seem to be against me, I only managed to come to terms with things in recent days. But, I really don't think this is as important as others make it out to be. I think that if I don't want to get H3 subjects, then I would not really need imba grades nay? But I want to do well anyway, so I kind of feel damn lousy. Heh.
As for other matters, I realized that there are many more people fantasizing and thinking about ideal relationships in RJ right now. Well like I said again, you're not alone. For me, I think I can do a little classification now.
Guys generally fall in 3 categories with regards to liking someone.
1) The average man. You are a person who has dreams of an ideal person you would fall for, you would want a relationship in which you are a match for the person mentally and physically. Basically, your ideal person would have looks and yet have that special quality that can't be described which will make you glow warmly inside whenever she talks to you...
2) The romantic. You dream of an ideal relationship, with that perfect someone that you feel is absolutely flawless in every way. The girl may not be the perfect person, but to you, she is everything about the world that is good. There is basically this attraction on a non-material plane that exists, and you cannot help but completely adore the person...
3) The lustful. All you care about is the carnal aspect of love. Nothing would attract you to a girl save her looks and whatever you think you can do with them. Any girl would do, as long as she is hot, regardless of personality. There exists no particular special feeling towards the person other than physical attraction.

Well, I know people from all 3, but I think I somehow manage to fall into the romantic category. Even though my speech may suggest otherwise, I actually somehow managed to find that special feeling that I cannot place, which somehow hit me. I don't know. Maybe someday I would actually be able to make my dreams of perfection true?

By the way, this post was supposed to be for the past sunday, but I only managed to post now.

If I were to find that one true feeling,
Would it be able to stop me killing?

Poetry

2008-09-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

I think, now I know where I stand.
After the mugging session on Wednesday, in which we brought up many of our problems to discuss, I now know what is wrong with me, and how to deal with it. We also discussed The Story, in which I have yet to find a suitable creature or object with which to define Hp, as the only thing we could think of was something...shifty?
Well, I know that I cannot leave somehow, I'm bound to this fate for good or worse. I believe we are all in control of our own destinies, but there are just some things too painful to change. This is one of them.
Thinking and thinking again, I feel better or worse at different times. Wish I could do something to clarify my doubts, but I would not risk the losing of the chance.
Ahh, even if she would never think of me so, I will elevate her to a position in which she was too high up for me. This is the true meaning of poetic love nay?
The promos are coming. I have not had much time to study, nor do I have the good luck to have peace at home in which to study in. But I still managed to squeeze some days in school to study to a certain extent. I hope for the best, and do my best as well. For those who still think of me in a good light, wish me luck man, I think I will need it.
Like I said, I will elevate her to that state, but if she allows it, I will elevate myself to that height as well, so that I can be there to guard her forever.

There are those whose hearts
Are wholly given over to others.
Happening to me I now know,
What it feels like to really, deeply
Have someone in your heart.

If I could change my thousand destinies...

2008-09-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

I would change them all to be with you.
Well, yeah. Those were some song lyrics.
But anyway, I seem to be too weak to quit the game.
Its like I cannot, somehow. Ah well. I will divert attention, just as I have done with my other problems. I understand now. It is not right that I make others suffer because of what problems I may have. What's personal should stay personal. I'm sorry for letting it eat at my working things, like PW and in class behavior.
As a very important disclaimer, I must let you know this, I am definitely not in as bad a case as I seem to be in from this page. Here are the feelings that I feel at the times when I'm at the most hopeless or down, I really still try to maintain my cheer in school and not let things affect my disposition. But then sometimes, the weight may be too heavy for me to bear. When times like that happen, don't blame me too bad for it.
Against other things, I think I just need to study, even though I don't really have the drive and the goal to do well. But, I feel that every normal guy has the freedom to like anyone they want, even if the person be someone out of reach, and NO ONE can fault me for this. I am only human, and susceptible to this stupid weakness that all men have.

Life, this game.

How to quit a game you don't wanna play

2008-09-15T06:57:00.001-07:00

When enemy has mega creeps, what do you do? Of course you quit the game la!
Well that's in dota, I wish life were as simple. But, I find that even though I already clicked the leave game button, I still am lagging at the stupid white screen quite unable to exit the program. Why so?
Why my com so lousy?
This analogy would apply to a real life situation I'm in right now, one which I'm trying my best to get out of and cut my losses. There's no point trying to be romantic, I just want to revert to the old days now. When you have no hope in doing something, you have to have the courage to drop it.
Even so, I heard the stories about the success of others, and really, some of them were so very touching. If only I had met that girl, things would be very different. But though MY story had an interesting start, and an okay buildup, the ending was real bullshit. It's like those horror stories, where the suspense builds up, and just when there seems no hope for the hero, he wakes up and realizes it was all just a dream.
Sigh, I would say I'd like to be the star in my own romance.
But that's quite a long shot.
Villains in stories, which is the role I would be cast into, have no chance to get any girl whatsoever. They instead end up dead trying to screw up the hero. Well, this villain has left the damn game. Think of it as the Iago who walked off the stage, unwilling to play the villain anymore.
Admitting it does not help a lot, it just shows the bleakness of prospects. I was stabbed in the dark by a force I do not know. Suddenly things were out of control. I somehow knew this story would turn out like this if I were to act out this particular role.
Throw that all out the window.

"Almost Easy"

Bleak

2008-09-14T09:00:00.001-07:00

I just realized that I have been quite an idiot, not only to myself, but to the people who really matter to me. Sorry if I ever mistreated any of you. I should learn to control myself.

If you were to live my life
Would you do the things I did
All the suffering and strife
Could you really take this shit?

Girl. You. What you did.

2008-09-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was a terrible day I don't wanna recount it so yeah.
But I must say something, sorry for the scene people.
Since most of the girl readers were probably scared off this blog from the last few posts anyway.
I shall say this, girls need to be more sensitive in the right way. True, yall are sensitive to vulgarities and the little nuances in our behavior that annoy the hell outta you. But when it comes to trouble, a lot of girls need to work. Nobody can take an epic amount of shit without breaking. Not even guys. There's more to say, but I just can't find the right words to voice it. So here I end about myself.
And on behalf of a friend.
There are those girls who think they can fuck around with a guy's feelings and get away scot free. Well, I think that playing with humans like that is not a nice thing to do. Very not nice.
I expected more from RJ girls frankly, I thought at least they all had good upbringings. Never lived up to any. I am a person who values relationships and friends a LOT. So I will never try to intentionally play with a girl's feelings, if I like someone its because I really do, and I care about the person. Just would like to remark, that was a mighty shameless thing to do, to play with boys. If anyone tried that shit with me, if I found out, not even death would save you...

And then she closed her eyes
Let go of all her lies.

Was't for naught?

2008-09-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I feel damn confused. I just absorbed the fact that there are a HELL lot of guys in J1 now who are being emo about girls as well, cos they did something wrong, or are just damn confused, or liking a girl for which they have no hope with. (me >.<) Either way, cheer up guys, you're not alone. You have your friends, and you WILL NEED THEM, if you ever start with these feelings, I'd recommend talking it out with your close friends. Try not to talk to girls about these things too much, cos they might
1) Be jealous of the person in question, and do all they can to screw you up
2) Accidentally leak some stuff and screw you up
3) Sell your information for popularity as a gossip girl

Either way, I'm not trying to be sexist, but when it comes to these kind of thing people seem to take their gender as their side, and will do everything to make the person from the opposite side do as much to make their side happy.

Frankly, if you are in my situation, just give up. Cause there's nothing that you can do, if your results suck and ur not damn hot. But, I can't bear to tear myself away. Even if they said the heart turns cold 5 hours after its torn from the body, the arteries still will remain, and since they are a part of the heart, well not all of it turns cold. Get the meaning?
Bleh. I can't quit. I just cannot bear it. I hate myself for being so shit that I can't even bring myself to put down what I've taken up, and still complain about it. Life. Promos. Help me.

Was it for this the clay grew tall?

Green

2008-09-10T08:51:00.001-07:00

There are times when I get jealous. Jealous of others around me. You see, everybody wants to be happy, but there are those who have to take the shit that the happy people leave behind.
Well.
I don't have charm, charisma or looks, which are what girls want. I don't have achievements in sports or school. My results suck. My thinking is warped, my language is foul. My family ain't rich. No girls have/would have expressed interest in me. I got no cool CCA or hobby, I like to fight.
These things make me unhappy, jealous. There are those with all the above and crave for more. There are those with nothing, not even food, and envy me. I can't say that I deserve pity, I'm only being human by being jealous, after all. If life were a story, I seem to be cast in the role of villain, in fact, I think I fit that role. Well, if I were the hero of a story, the story would be FuTDM. (F***ed up to de max)
Even so, I have one thing many people don't have. For only some, have the lotion. Well that was rubbish. Actually, very few people have some of these things I have. For one, an awesome class of sec 3 and 4, 4P! They accept me and even welcome me for who and what I am, which is more than I can say for almost everyone in RJ I've met, (other than my OG). Heh.
Another. I have true friends. Now, people would say, "But I have true friends!" Ah, you see, only in the crucible of flame does the facade melt and the truth reveal itself. Look, where are your friends now? Most friends like fair weather. They hate emo people who think life sucks. They only like cheerful and funny people. Well guess what? My friends kick their asses. Seriously, through this recent period of time then I realize, its the guys who are really pulling me through. My closest group of friends, who I always hang with, walked with me even through that dark night, and gave me the strength I needed to pull through. Who says guys cannot be sensitive and caring? Though, given the chance, I would do the exact same for them, if only I had the skill to not screw up if I tried, but I'd try anyway. Somehow, I can't imagine my girl-friends doing this. There's only so far a boy-girl relationship can go without getting married I guess. Plus they run at the sight of blood :P

DISCLAIMER:
If you feel offended by anything I said, tell me here. Both of us would benefit.

And now, we'll exchange our vows...

Reveille

2008-09-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

I realize now.
All things grow up one day. Even me, when I never thought I'd have to finally let go of that childish innocence which I was still clinging to even at this age, through all the trouble I've been through. But finally, I realize, its been futile. Now I really have no more ideals in life, the world has fallen to gray. Lost hopes, shattered dreams, broken friendships, false virtues, unfulfilled wishes, unspoken requests, all I see with clarity. Where is good, who is evil? Am I good or evil? I am neither and both. The world is complicated, and now I gotta face that, all my actions have consequences.
For those of you whom I've wronged somehow, forgive me, you know I would not have meant it in malice. If you find me annoying or stupid, whatever complaints you have, put them aside for now, I will apologize if I know what I did wrong. Give me this space so I can have somewhere where I'm free to express myself, since people find it distasteful to listen.
I was a fool chasing after a ridiculous dream of finding true love (what's more, its usually girls who dream of this), and now I see cold reality. No wonder poets all write emo love poetry. Having come to this point, I decided: "Hey, there's no hope in this, let's have fun while it lasts". Thus, let me now have fun...

I want to say I'd screw the world,
But what if the world was not a girl?

Today, the girl...

2008-09-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, at least I faced up to things. Let me remind you, things are not fixed, but I'm taking a different track to things now. I will try to be as happy as I can, to be better company for those who actually care for it. Even if it means I'd be a bit over done, please forgive, its better than me being homi/suicidal. That's that for my real problems.
As for useless goldbricking problem that I concocted myself to try and cure myself, its festering.
I meant my trying to distract myself using girls, specifically one.
Well, to say the least, it didn't work at ALL, in fact, it managed to get me more shit than I ever could imagine could come from one place. Even though I felt nice for...1? 2? days, its not worth it. Today, I stand here right now, to declare.
I, Moses,
Who did try to do things to that end,
Have nonetheless decided to
Quit this game while I am ahead.

That should be the end of that. I'll leave the love to others, I will try to get to the same level as Leo, though I should think I'd never reach there...
But today, let me tell you what happened.
There was, these few signs,
Then, someone confirmed my dream
Then, I went home, and my bro was showing me the vid for "A Little Piece of Heaven".
For those who don't know, its a youtube mv of the song by A7X, where this dude gets rejected by his girl, then stabs her and eats her heart. Then he keeps her corpse and dances with it and wdv, then her corpse comes back to life, rips his heart out and eats it too. Then they both go to hell, where they reconcile (as zombies) and then come back to life (still zombies) and massacre people at a wedding, taking over, they get married in a parody of marraige and live happily ever after.

That much said, it doesn't take much for a twisted mind like mine to see the significance of that to my life. Well, freaky...
Here's the link, the quality's not good but still creepy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvLjZLWdTeU
Have fun. If you want to tell me not to kill her, there's stil time before the full moon ; )
Anyway, if YOU read this and YOU think you are the girl in question, please try to clarify things with me. I really won't kill you, but I won't bother you with this kind of shit again. May you live happily ever after. "Cause you were all up in a piece of heaven while I burned in hell no peace forever..."
Well that's modified but anyway I don't care.
I QUIT.
READ ABOVE.

Here is a lesson that I learnt,
Playing with fire gets you burnt.

End of all things, even bad ones.

2008-09-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

I finally passed that point. Frankly, I never thought I'd survive this, but somehow I managed to pull through, even so much that I now have my old self back (relatively).
At least there be things that I can see that I look forward to now. Well, I had to have broken out of that down period. After all, if I didn't, then I wouldn't be here writing now nay? Quite bad to have my very last post as something like that. Even when I read it could also think that i was psychopathic one. Haha. I will leave it there, as a testament to how low I had fallen, and perhaps maybe some poor person who's having as hard a time may look and feel hope?
But,
I could never have pulled through without you all. I mean you, my friends.
To my friends Bak and Eddie, who kept me with their humor and fun in life. To Hp, and all his advice, I know you meant well. To Leo, who was beside me even in the darkest abyss. To Miss Tang, for the talk and counsel. To my PW group, Danny, Yen and Cass, for being so understanding and encouraging. To those in class who comforted me. To my family, if I did not love you all, would I suffer so? To any who cared at all.
Thank you.
Well that sounded emo, but yeah, I really appreciate things like this. When people fall so far they WILL appreciate and remember, no matter how black hearted a person may seem.
Even though I personally feel better about things, does not mean that my problems have gone away, just that I have learned to become stronger. Its how you deal with it that counts in the end I guess.
As for finding romance in school, all that lucky seven shit and whatnot...
Who needs it, right? Gives me a whole lot MORE shit than ever.

There's nowhere to run,
There's nowhere to hide,
There's one thing to do,
Just stand here and fight.

Heroism

2008-09-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

Actually,
This is not heroism. This is a person trying to cover up for his being a loser by pretending he don't want something. Sour grapes.
What the fuck ever. I don't give a fucking damn now about what you think about me. Think me screwed up for all you want. You see, there comes a time where one loses his drive to life.
Only friends. Only I live for friends. I cannot live to provide a better future for anyone, as I see no future for myself. I cannot live for my own future, its gotten fucked up its ass. I cannot live for grades. They look worse than me. I cannot live for love. (according to my theory)
I can perhaps live because some people in my family are living for me.
But when they go I will find that courage to consign myself to hell.
To end this.
Like I referred to just now, love.
True love I thought I felt, but had to throw away. I figured something out. Only heroes and prince charming handsome people are allowed true love. Commoners and scum like me may only live for the lust that burns bright within all human beings.
Every time I try to do math I get stuck in 5 seconds and cannot do anymore.
I can't do this. I am hopeless at math. Fuck.
Looks like I am going to have to get retained. Gyahaha fucking life.
I perhaps can continue living. But what the fuck am I studying for now?

Not one FUCKING thing.

If you love me
Kill me.

The black abyss

2008-09-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

This is it. I would have tried so hard to find that one person for me, to get that one thing that could possibly distract me from the bleakness of life. Yet, no chance. As I ran away from the ravening troubles in life that seek to devour me, I saw the door of love open, I saw Her on the other side, with a sweet smile, that I will never forget. Then, I saw Him. Desperately increasing my speed, I had hoped to reach that last ray of hope that remained for me. But, even as I thought I could make it, prince charming managed to slam the door shut to me in my face. With such a small action, this last hope for redemption and salvation for me is gone. Running out of energy to escape from the real face of life, I give up the fight. Standing still, the demons of my life overtake me, and all is dark again. The ray of light, gone.
Life. Absolute darkness and despair. The black abyss that is my soul overflows. Tears of blood and darkness flow from my eyes. Even as I feel this pain I suddenly realize, this is where I belong. I like it in the dark. Well, I have to like it, as this is the only place I can go.
Extended metaphor aside, you guessed it. I feel that someone like me who has so much shit to deal with at home cannot possibly compete with a prince charming. It's not that I cannot be bothered. Thinking deeper, I find that if I were to ask and she were to accept me, she would have to face the same hell that I have. And I could not possibly let her suffer this torment. Already when she saw the surface of the fetid lake that is my life, she did not know what to do. I will not let her suffer, she deserves better, to be happy. Thus in gallantry and caprices, do I go forth to face my life, alone, in the dark. Will there be anyone who will become this final ray of light, or will I let my deepest, darkest self out into the open and manifest the beast within? Can I control myself? Only my close friends stand by me now. Everyone else finds it too hard to come down into the dark pit to face my troubles with me.

Anyone wants a light?
Here, burn my funeral pyre.

Tragicomedy

2008-09-01T08:23:00.001-07:00

Hai its that time again.
I find that this part of life is really epic for me. There's this element of tragedy and irony I cannot resist partaking of, yet I know of the consequences of this. You see, I feel that I am acting in a romantic tragedy.
Behold:
This love epic in my life.
A tragedy with a twist. The Malcontent is the hero. Prince Charming is the villain. Who is the girl? Won't tell you :D
Twice fallen from grace, twice I climb those slippery steps again. And race towards the confrontation with the protagonist. How does it feel to be the antagonist? Now I know. I know the struggle whether to sacrifice my morals for what's good for me, or retain them and watch helplessly as she gets taken away for the second time in this dreadful life. Whether to try or to give up. I have no idea. In all tragedies there comes the tragic flaw, I'd say mine is being human. Humans have this innate desire to experience that which makes a human woman most beautiful, and even makes a plain woman look pretty. The innate desire to love. But can a Malcontent such as I ever aspire to do so? I do not know. I "am a demon, after all".
All tragic plays end with a tragedy. Well, if this one ends in tragedy for me who am the villain, won't it be a comedy? Yet if it turns out that way, then its a tragedy for me. In this sense while others will look on me as the villain, I can only look on myself as a hero nay? Thus if I Fall it would be a tragedy heh. Well, like all other plays, this one ends with the girl getting married to prince charming, showing that good (looks) always triumphs. The villain gets damn pissed. The villain plots revenge. And what will this turn out to be like? A revenge tragedy now hee hee! So cool siax. Let us hope it will never come to this point.

I have done all I can and challenged all but fate
I have fought, bled and carried on to reach this final gate

HEEHEEHEE!

2008-08-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out what I felt was missing even through the good feelings. I got this sense of lethargy and lifelessness, like I just want to sit and bask. For those who know the story of warcraft, this was probably the feeling that came over the Orcs after the demon influence was removed from them, the lethargy and sluggishness that replaced the bloodlust and violence. Is this what is right? Should I return to my old ways, or try walking this road? Somehow I feel more inclined to study like this though...
As for the object of this change, I think I shall leave this as an unrequited form of admiration, for surely, there would be no chance of gaining her love back.
Needless to say, I feel alright as things are, better to have the possibilities open and the gate open to these new emotions, rather than screwing up epically like the last times. I thought I knew what liking someone was like long ago, but that was only carnal, I feel the spiritual side now (i guess :P) and it seems to have cleansed me?
Even if I never get to be together with said party, I want this feeling to stay on in my heart to keep me from the dark.
And it means I ain't gay heh.

Fly away to a better place,
Every day feeling your embrace.

This

2008-08-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Now. This is the only thing that has managed to cure me of hatred, instead of exuding black/red I currently exude a pink aura?
Hm. Perhaps there was more to life than just lust hate greed violence and blood.
Perhaps there was something more.
Something good inside me? I'd like to see where this leads. Something I never expected to be true suddenly dropped on me.
In wonderment I gaze on my surroundings with new sight. There is beauty in the world. There is hope and light. The rain is not cold and dampening anymore, but is cool and refreshing. Butterflies fly in front of me and I smile. Surreal things prove to be solid, and what once was my life is now a faraway dream of darkness and blood. This completely new feeling is indescribable. What has happened to me? I feel a drive to study? To make myself look better? To do good things?
All the evil songs I had are gone, no more black metal. Somehow they don't make me high or happy anymore.
All I need now is just to exist and perhaps glimpse you...

Who have brought me crashing down.

If I woke up now and this was a dream,
I can't decide if I should laugh or scream.

Perhaps love

2008-08-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have made up my decision; my path is set. It is time for me to embrace the disaster for better or worse. Yet strangely I do not feel bad or that apprehensive, rather, a feeling I never experienced before. This, being so strong, has wiped away all the hate and violence within me better than any drug. What is this feeling? I ever liked people before, but always in a carnal sense, yet this transcends that.
So, would this
be what those poets talk about?
Would this be...

THAT?

Please let me know the truth,
This troubled heart to sooth.

Heeheehee

2008-08-23T08:13:00.001-07:00

Lol the play Apocalypse was super funny, who said it was emo sia? The msg was cool and so were the actors. Special thing, new vulgarity learnt: Tua F***. Means big f***, quite nice i think got many chance to use in sch ahaha.
I am still trying to solve the mystery of the prelude to disaster, if anyone noes anything about it please tell me.
Apocalypse Aftermath was even more cool haha. We go Macs there eat and camwhore, talk long also. Then I realized 2 things: 1) I was wearing my grad night stuff (minus the dyed hair) 2) After the play "Blithe Spirit" last year we went to the exact same place to talk about life, specifically about what we would do next year, which is the present now.
Hai I'm so happy that I did not feel emo about the library even through its significance, just felt nostalgic. Thanks Mari for hearing me out! Its another burden off my heart, somehow i feel that this will only leave when i tell a girl, and its gone :D
Haha us after the Macs thing... maybe some more. On FB anw. Just a thought, whos the cutest/hottest of them all heh heh tag or sth :D
Gyah promos are coming i gonna start hardcoring.
But first, THE FRICKING DISASTER!
What should I do?
Prevent the disaster?
Avoid the disaster?
Or...
Embrace the disaster???
Help me if you know how. I'm ending this with something positive.

Today is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

Title

2008-08-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

Hai. Now I on drugs alr.
I have to hand it to the school now I feel so happy all the time.
Anyway, the best part of school is always after sch, whole day spent talking cock about preventing disasters.
Quoting:

Person 1: If you like someone but that person is you cannot get one then how?
Person 2: Don't like lor
Person 1: But what if I scared starting to like?
Person 2: In that case in order to prevent THE DISASTER you kill her first! Then dunnid like alr!

Heh. We gonna make a new motto. Call ourselves "The Disaster Preventors". In life, you will sometimes be forced to kill someone to survive. So, to prevent THE DISASTER, we kill YOU first! Hee!

I found the Joker truck damn cool, the quote suits me (both of me) very well. "(S)laughter is the best medicine". If I feel nasty on a particular day, then slaughter is the best medicine. If I'm normal, then laughter is the best medicine. Aha nice.

I uh, have promos to mug for heh. I don't mug I gonna fail sia. Retain sia. So, to prevent THE DISASTER, I kill myself first! Hee!

It is a big mistake to give a mad person a big weapon
It is an even BIGGER mistake to make a mad person INTO a weapon.

55!

2008-08-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hai.
Mugging with no book damn hard, i got frens to scan and print but then still wtf no notes!
Knn i get zero alr la. I dun understand the crap at all plus no practise cos I was trying to concentrate on econs.
Wtf. Life.
Figured that my guy friends are the ones to be counted on after all in times of need sia. Guess I gotta learn independence, frens will get married and have to take care of a wife someday. That means if I get married I will have to take care of 2 ppl. Whao. At least someone would "cook, clean and do my bed" :D
Chauvinistic no?
Yeah baby.
For more info go ask people about the hilarious defense talk we attended, starring Gan, AbiKang and BEN!
Bet people see Ben name there alr wanna noe more sia.
I feel that I should put up pictures, so this one is for my dear OG! BB07!

Haha I may profess to hate girls, but you all are some of the coolest girls I've ever seen lol so cheers! I'm the dude sitting down btw lol.
Damn, I actually feel that its kinda stupid for me to be the only one sitting down next to someone I'm rumored to like but wadda heck. The truth will prevail nay?
Well wish the whole Rj life was orientation, its definately been one of the most memorable.
Stay cute people.
As for myself, its time to go off for the chem spa and test tml. Leaving here with something that I'd say would describe what you have to give for maths.

Lmao.